Dear Die-ary, my net was mean to me yesterday
I wrote this yesterday, but seeing as to how my internet wasn’t working at the time I saved it on my computer and decided to come back today and post it. So here it is….
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June 19,2009
Today I went out with a friend, and as a gift he bought me flowers and a teddy bear… which was… a first in a life time… with the flowers that is. No one had ever bought me flowers before and it was really something new. I know I should have been the happiest ever and just over whelmed but… I was still depressed… inside… deep deep inside and all because of a fool….
Its not that I don’t want to move on. Really its not. If I could I would have moved on in a heart beat and forgotten all about it as I usually do. But the depression that lingers after a heart ache is a lot to handle, especially for a person like myself. Unlike others, I don’t feel a hole in my heart or a void that cannot be filled, I feel as if I have no heart at all. Sure others try to cheer me up and fill me with all sorts of happiness, but I feel dead inside, and I wonder why?
I knew this would eventually come to happen. I knew that my fairytale was too true to be. I knew the wicked witch had only been delayed due to bad traffic or weather, but she, like always, eventually made it. And once again I was left to know that Happily ever after never happens in real life.
Cold, broken and alone I sit in my empty and dark tower. Curled in the deepest darkest corner with a mask close at hand, so that when I am approached I can slide the smiling mask on and pretend nothing is wrong. That deep inside I am as happy as ever. That this little bump on the road has not affected me or diverted me from my original path. But it has, its derailed me so badly that I feel I’ve completely fallen out of my tracks. I feel stranded and lost and confused. He wasn’t meant to walk away but he did and there was nothing I could do about it. I could not do it anymore. I could not stand that smug smile on his face and his constant cocky ass.
Like the silly little girl I am, I fed his addictions, I allowed for him to continue his religious drinking and sulking. . Because no matter what I did, I could not pull him away from her wicked hands. Because no matter what charm I created or how I tried to rekindle our flame he snuffed it out and poured that venom down his lips and deep in to his veins, where it rotted him away. Lost and confused as I was I brought my walls up again, stronger than before, attempting to keep him at bay, fearing that he would harm me again. Fearing that with one wrong step he would harm me like he did. With a smile, my evil smile I pushed him farther away, so that it didn’t hurt at least not a lot. I played the evil bitch that I can be. I smirked and said things to harm with as much hate as I could. I kicked and I trashed and I slashed with as much evil as I could.
Make him hate me. Make him think of me as the most vile evil thing to walk this earth, for that’s the only way he can be happy else where. That way he can go and be with her, and drag her down as he dragged me. Or make her happy, like her husband could not and keep her head in the clouds. Now I know I wont find someone like him again, and to tell the truth… I don’t want to. I don’t want to find anyone. I want to sleep and stay asleep for ever and ever. I want to slip deep in to nothingness. To let that darkness wrap its cold tender hands around me and suck what is left of my evil mind away. I want it to embrace me like he did, hold me close like he did, and place that kiss upon my lips and drag me in to eternal sleep. And when I am in my eternal sleep, I will finally be able to rest.
There, there will be no evil hands to touch me. Only the darkness will hold me in its tender hands. There I will not relive those horrible nightmares I relive constantly. In that darkness I will be cradled and left to finally find comfort. There I will not be loved or hated or thought of. There I will rest and rot. Turn in to maggots and vanish in to nothing but a pile of bones. When the eternal sleep comes for me, it will end all of these horrible thoughts and constant tears and screams, my walls will finally come down and no one will be waiting to jump at me.
Here, in this life, there is nothing that I want to hold on to anymore. There is not a single soul in this world that sparkles and creates a magnetic pull for me like his did. Nothing here calls my attention enough and nothing offers the warmth that his did. In no arms do I feel safe. Everywhere I turn danger faces me, and someone is ready to destroy what little remains of me. In my chest, I can feel that void. Like an amputees missing arm or leg… I miss my heart… for I no longer own it… and I no longer have my anchor.
Although I hate him. I hate him for what horrible things he did to me I cannot force my mind to leave him and stop loving him. I cannot force those thoughts out like many time before. Sleep is impossible to obtain and the only solution become those horrible tasting pills.
God I want to die… I want to close this mind of mine off. I want to stop thinking so bad and I dare do it tonight… if only I could. If only I could convince myself too… But what keeps me going is the idea that one day I will be skinnier, one day I will look better, one day I will return, and this day he will see what he lost… and this day that he does. He will know that I was the best damn thing that he fucked up… and then… and then… I’ll be able to be at peace… I’ll be able to move on without him… I’ll be able to face him without pain and ask for my heart back. Ask for him to return what he took from me and take it with pride and without the tears.
I wish I had my anchor… I wish I had my will, I wish I had someone… and more than anything I wish I hadn’t wasted a wish on him on that wishing tree… I’ll have to go back… and wish for my heart back… wish that I can replace that void within me with something new… wish for my happiness and my life. What a silly girl I was to wish for him.. Out of all the things I could have asked for… I asked for a man… that did not want me… I wished for a man who would shatter me more than I believed possible…
All that I have now… is myself… and my control and my determination to become better. I only have Debbie and Ana and Mia to keep me going. Because I will keep going. I will survive. And I will become stronger. Because I am a survivor. I’ve been through worst than heart ache. For ages I went through worse. I suffered at the hands of the ones I was suppose to trust, I was forced to things that no child should ever have to face. That damn near killed me… no.. I damn near killed myself, and I am stronger, I am my own anchor now. I am my own willpower and support. No one can hold me, and no one will guide me… and no matter what comes my way I’ll face it… and eventually and hopefully I’ll get better… I’ll become happy in a new form…
Oh… and the reason I’ve lost my period for all these months turns out was something else. No I’m not pregnant, seems to be just one of the many effects of what I do to my body. I tried to force myself to have a period, but it failed, meaning I’m fucked as can be. But that’s ok. My liver burns more and more and my kidneys are forcing me to go to the bathroom more and more… but I’ll deal with that. I’ve dealt with worst… and if this is the way I will go then fine. All these damn pills will kill me… I just know they will. But hey, not like many people would miss me. I am after all the “unwanted child” the “Liar” the “Stupid one” the “mean one” the “unwelcome” the “failure” the “dirty filthy one” the “spoiled” “undesired” “fat” “pathetic” “Cheater” “freak” “broken” one.
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as you all can tell I was slightly depressed and ugh. But I’m better today. much better after a fun day out shopping and such with my family… anyway I’m outrageously tired so I’m ganna call it a night soon and head out.
~Anti~
The Kirby Dance:
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