Dear Die-ary, I should have stayed away from gmail

Yesteday was a great day for the most part, i got to go shopping and to my Surprise I fit in to a smaller size jean than I usually do!  so what did I do? I bought them! with a matching top that really makes me look slim!  But this will be touched on a little bit later.  Anyway all was doing good… until I got the urge to check my gmail account.  I hadn’t logged on for a while and I figured I should check to see if I had anything worth going through since I had nothing else to do but surf the net.   And there it was.  An e-mail.  Clearly labled with his name and a neat little message attached.  At first I was skeptical.  I didnt open it right away, just kinda stared at it for a while wondering what the best course of action should be.  Since everyone was upstairs going about their buissnes I figured I should open and read it.  Besides it was just words.  what harm could they bring.  

For a momen, I swear my heart fluttered, and I felt dizzy all over, then again that could have just been the starving.  But I read the message and for a while I considered what I should reply… and so I did… I was anxious to see what he had to say, but as usual he only managed to get on my bad side.  He wants for me to "wait" again and for me to be "good" and try not to sleep around and "fall in love" with someone.  not to mention he says he will "come back" to see if we can give it another try once he is well settled and has a job or what not.  Imagin my anger.  The fury I felt build up inside! why the HELL would I wait for him? why would I stay clean and be a nice girl and behave while he was out there with his greedy little slut doing what ever the hell he pleased?  So what did I do? The odvious!  I set up a date with AF Hottie for the next day.

I did after all have a cute new outfit to try out.

So come next day, which was sunday, and I was woken up by my brother who told me of more shopping and I was out of my bed in a heart beat and running to get ready.  Went to Hastings and came back around four which gave me enough time to get ready to go out with Mr. Hottie.  So once I was ready I went out.  The jeans even fit me slightly lose around my thighs which made me gloat even more!!!  

So out I went.  We watched Year One and I couldnt help but feel even more comfortable with him.  When we were outside after the movie we were talking about him being able to move out of base come september and that he wanted to find a place somewhere here in town to stay in.  WELL what do you know? lol.  So I Got happier!!  We talked for a while and he was telling me about going to go see Blink 182 when they come here and I agreed that I would go, but only if I had the day off.  Then he invited me out to eat next weekend!  Super sweet of him, if only he knew I dont eat… Well if I’m lucky we will go somewhere where things are healtier than not.  So yay! another date for next weekend, and now I’m kinda pretty sure that he likes me.  Not only did he hug me when we said goodbye but he also hugged me a few more times during the "date"  which was super CUTE!  

Anyway so we agreed to go out and what not and I came home and realized I had another message from Carlos.  I wasn’t planning on answering him but I did.  I mean why the hell not right?  I mean I was out and about on a date and he wanted to know all about him and I told him a little bit about him.  I said he was nice and in the AF and that he and I went to the movies today.  let him chew that for a while.  

So After going through the remainder of my Gmail messages I logged back on to myspace and guess who had already dropped me a line?  Yup =) AF hottie.  And what did it say?  "You looked really beautiful today" omg!! yay!! i wasn’t the only one thinking that!  lol.  The pants were super nice, you know those jeans that are currently in fashion with holes on them and what not.  A yellow top that brought out my skin color, made me look much better, and under that a pink top, cause the yellow one had a few decorations of pink on it and it made it stick out even more!!.  I was wearing my awesome contacts and my hair was all nice and made, not to mention I went REALLY light with the makeup making me look super sweet and innocent!!  

So yes He liked it. ALOT. apperantly.  And I’m ganna take a wild guess here and say that maybe thats why I got extra hugs today?

Oh yeah, I went out withsomeoen besides AF hottie.  On Friday I went out with a guy from here in town.  He bought me flowers!!! First time EVER I swear it was the sweetest thing ever! Not only flowers but also a teddy!! Which was super cute.  Although I get the feeling that this one only wants to get in to my pants.  So I’m not ganna give it much thought, besides.  My eyes are set somewhere else.  It isn’t my fault that AF hottie came around before he did.  

Well, it seems I’m doing just peachy =) Never realized I was really THIS pretty.  Everywhere I get flattered.  its insane!  Guys only keep telling me how pretty I am, and I cant say I dont like it.  Imagine if I could only lose a few more pounds and fit in to a SMALLER size jeans and a SMALLER top… God… I cant wait.  

Which brings me to Shelly, my friend, shes losing sooo much weight too!! its impressive! I’m actually very happy for her!! You can start to see her colarbone! and soon she will be so beautiful, not that she isnt!!.  She invited me to go smoke some pot and drink with her, and I think I just might take her up on that offer.  She wants me to go to University of Michigan for my Masters and I just might, if i can talk to someone about scholarships and stuff.  Then again… I could just join the AF and stuff.. but according to Mr. Hottie Its not good for girls in the AF cause everyone always harrasses them since there isnt alot of them.  

Blah anyway… on a more depressing note, today I had a massive trigger while sitting here typing.  I get chills even thinking about it… but if I’m ganna get over it… i have to type this out.   I really really really… need to get rid of my last name.  its killing me.  I thought of how he has my last name… and of how He is related… and how I hate it so much and How i cant seem to do a single freaking thing about it!!!!  I hate it just soooooooooo much!! I need a new last name… just so that thinking of it wont give me chills and make all those horrible thoughts start to rush in the way they do…

Please oh please make these triggers go away… please.

~Anti~

The Kirby Dance:

&l

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