Dear Die-ary I gave him up…

I really did. 

While he was here In Missouri with me… Things didn’t work out.  It was a constant fight… over and over and over… and no matter how I tried to make him leave the subject he never did….

He kept picking at my wound, kept rubbing it in my face that he had had an afare with one of his classmates.   That he had slept with her… and although I constantly asked for him to stop he wouldnt… and  this fueled my anger.  it fueld it so much that I hated him.  Unlike him.  I cannot stop hatting once I start.  My heart ached every night as it died and turned darker with in me.  As he beat what little life remained in it out. 

It was too much, and so I asked him to leave, more like demanded that he leave.  And he did.  He didn’t even try to stay, took the oportunity right away.  I gave him the simple option of forgetting her or forgetting me.  And I suppose I was the easier decission.  But I can’t say I didn’t expect this…. He would becomes so upset when I insulted or growled at the sound of her name.  

Although I love him, I wont put up with it.  Besides he hit me one alst time.  Not exactly HIT hit but close enough.  When he grabed me from the throat and shoved me against the wall it killed anything that remained for him.  

So I wrote a letter to his lover… and to just keep record of it I’m going to post it here.  As a reminder that He ruined anything that remained between us… and a reminder that I will NEVER fall in to his game again.

May 31, 2009 10:40 PM

Subject:

Please read, I promise its good news.

Body:

First of all Selena, let me start of with telling you that this wont be a rude or mean or anything like that message for you. This letter is more of a… well I don’t know what it is but here it is…

According to Carlos, the things that happened between you two was “never meant to happen” but it did, and in those short weeks that something did happen he started to develop some form of feelings for you. Which apparently I can do nothing about. Anyway, feelings were made and you two did what you did and then he came here, with me… Believing that what he felt for me was love, but apparently it was nothing more than curiosity.

But he isn’t mine anymore. As much as it hurts I have to understand that he isn’t mine and that he will never be mine again because you hold his heart, and if he stills feel anything for me, its nothing more than simple pity or some other strange and lost feeling, he doesn‘t love me like he loves you now. Now you hold his heart in your hands and I can’t do anything to hold on to him anymore. My hands are just tired of holding the rope, you know what I mean?

It wont matter how much I fight and how hard I pull to get him closer to me and no matter how much I give, it will never be enough for him.

So to the point. You can take him back… wait… that seems to sound harsh, but I’m at a loss of words. He said you would take him back and that you were the one to give him the opportunity to come here in the first place, and for that I thank you. You were the one to tell him about my “myspace” status and stuff like that. And to tell you the truth I’m hoping that you will take him back… Id hate to see him sad.

Now he doesn’t know that I‘m writing this letter, but he will be better off in your arms and in your home. Today right before writing this letter I broke his heart as hard as I could. I kicked him out of my room and told him he could sleep on the floor for all that I cared, but it was the only way for me to let go of him. You see because no matter how many times I asked him to get rid of you, to forget you, he simply refused. He gazed out the window all day and I knew he was thinking of you, I always knew. Guess you can say it was intuition. The way his eyes glazed and how when he said I love you, he didn’t mean it. How he forced the words out and doubted every single letter. How when he held my hand it missed something, and when he spoke to me it was always cold.

Anyway, I told him he could run back to you, and that he would never hear from me again. And I promise I wont ever message you again or bother either of you.

I guess you can say this is some form of defeat letter, or maybe I’ve just realized that things will never work out between us. You, according to him, are pretty, nice and a true women. Something I will never be able to accomplish. You, unlike me, are not childish and know how to handle your life in such a lady like manner, you know how to “please” a man and you would let him do things that I will simply refuse to ever accept.

Honestly I can say I envy you. You who I hardly know and came to hate only because you could do what I could not. But, not anymore. You can make him happy and offer him what I cannot and to have him happy, truly happy is the only thing I could ever wish for.

He at one point made me the happiest I had ever been. He held my hand through the darkest parts of my life and he stood with me when I needed him the most and now I hope he does the same for you.

Right now, he needs money. I’ll give him what I have left in my bank account and maybe you can help him with the rest so that he can either fly back or ride the bus back to you. If for what ever reason you can’t come up with some money I’ll gladly ask for a few loans from people here and there and see what I can do but I can’t promise you much… I’ve given everything that I can as it is, maybe if he asks my dad, or his parents, I don’t know.

All I know is that he needs to get to you, because that’s where he belongs.

Well, out of all of this there is one last thing I’d like for you to do for me. Please don’t let him read this letter, please just please let this be between the two of us. He thinks I’m the biggest of bitches and that’s the way I want him to see it. Why? Well I don’t really know, for a strange reason I think it’s the only way to let him be happy with you, I wont linger in his thoughts anymore, cause I’ll be that horrible person.

You can take him to his friends, have a nice relationship with his parents and give him the life that I can’t give.

And I guess that’s all I have to says. I hope the two of you are really happy together.

Wishing you the best,
-Karla-

And now that that is out of the way, I hope he treats her the exact same way he did me.  I Hope he hits her, and I hope he controls every little part of her life and breaths down her neck with every struggle for freedom she makes.  I hope she rotts, just as I was and even worst… for she broke a woman law, and yes I believe in this law very well.  You sure dont come around and take another womans man without starting shit….

So I wish for the best, in a negative way.  In a way that will make her cry every night like I did.  In a way that she will Hurt just as much as I did.  if Not more!

She tried to lure him away with her Pety attempt of a "rape" story… Please You would NEVER forgive someone that has abused of you in such a way that  it changed your entire life.  You can never be the same after something like that.  FUCK all the FAKES.

Blah.

On a happier note, I’ve got a date set up with an amazing guy I met.  And I’m really crossing my fingers on this one… cause, he’s just like the man of my dreams, but even better.  

AND no my dream guy was NOTHING like Carlos.  Cause remember Duckiew, I Like Men in uniform!

~Anti~

 

The Kirby Dance:

 

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