and all is lost….

Yesterday… after constant bugging on Carlos’s behalf… I somehow managed to bundle up all my courage and tell him… tell him about Ricky and that one time we were out drinking…. when he was out with his then "soon to be girl friend" I told him about that semy orgy thing that happened…. the one that didn’t feel right.  I wrote an entry about that… but I quickly deleted it.  To ashamed of what I Had done. 

a remnance of that entry remains somwhere…. part of it captured my thoughts from that night.  I wrote it a few days after the Rick thing… possibly a few weeks.  (Reference Midnight rump and an epiphany)

At the time…. i was suffering… and I felt horribly ashamed… because… I wanted it to end.  I wanted so bad for him to go his way… and I my own… and so I had let him go off with his Mireya or what ever… and I… well… i had vanished once again in to the background… with all my skill I attempted to mask my emotions.  At a time I tried to hate him… i remember this… because I wrote a hateful letter to myself about it… Id encouraged my self and deteriorated myself at the same time….

We didn’t get back together until well after my birthday… after he had already dated my best friend of the time…. after he had already dug that rusted blade deeper in to my heart.  when we got together… things were different… in me… and in him… something was different… and I swear… i felt bad… as bad as one could  feel…. and… i set it upon myself to make up for it all.  I wouldnt tell him… but still he assumed something had happened…. but… whats in the past… shoul be left there….. or so I thought… I went on with life with him…. and then the accusations about Tin started when I found out about Tailz…. I had yet to find out about two more of his "flings"

 

so… after countless accusations… and countless arguments I wanted to crumble… cause I kept reasuring him that nothing really did happen!  At least not with Tin…..  I never mentioned Rick… why? because… He never really asked abut him… he had told me before… to tell him… everything… and leave nothing out…. but… as usual… I chocked… and I had already seen how he had reacted to the fact that Tin had fondled my boobs like a newborn while he fucked… none the less…. Tailz. 

 

So little dumb ass me… kept it silent.  Instead of straight up telling him.  I kept it silent… fearing that I would lose him…. so…… i kept silent… lied… and killed myself a little more inside…

 

As time passed… we became closer… I loved him more than ever… and we even planned on getting married… on him taking me from this shit hole i fell in to… He would take me… and fix me… and I could… for once in my life i could live a normal life… a life… that would be just.. the best…. or the best we could manage.  we even planned out kids…

 

We planned a november baby… how cute… even a name and all… I was to write them down… and keep track of all the names we liked… but those are all faded memories now… all lost… and simply that… memories of a once happy time… memories that were really only dreams…

 

Then yesterday came around… and he kept asking me to confess something big… and this had been eating away at my chest… like no other thing could ever eat at me… I had kept it so silent… he would have had no idea… he would have never known… except for that one little thing… of me changing… becoming a better person… and all of it just for him….

He had that assumption… which was wrong… and I wanted it fixed… I know we were not together at the time… we were on our own paths… and there didn’t even seem to be a we… just a me and a him…. I would have never dreamt of having him back… I thought that when it had ended it was just that and there and done.  But we were together and happy! and what more could I ask for!! I was ecstatic!  I swear I was the happiest… just knowing he wanted me… what the hell more could I ask for?

 

Back to the point… I told him… and as I had expected… he freaked…. and… freaked… and freaked and fliped out some more…. and I broke… then and there… I realised I had done something horrible… I realised that… I should have kept my mouth shut.. trusted that gut feeling and just not said a thing… but I had to… you see… it would kill me if he found out some other way… it would kill me if he would have heard it from someone elses lips… 

What to my surprise… all his promises went flying out the door… even he did… he asked me to drop him off at my house… so that he could leave… and I did… and while we were there… he left me…. we talked a bit… and I crashed… and i’ve never felt so horrible… I’ve never felt so broken… broken and lost and in the dark again… its like that flickering light that I was grasping at vanished without a trace and I panicked… I yelled… and I cried… and I mean… I really cried… not those silent usual cries… the real deal… i couldnt stop them from leaving my lips… I couldn believe it… I still cant believe it! I can’t… I told him not to leave me… cause in the back of my mind all those nasty little thoughts of mine had already started to stir from their slumber… they had already started to build up their strenght at a rapid pace and march their way to the front of my priority list.

 

I Begged… as pride full as I used to be… and as strong and powerful i portraited myself… all that quickly vanished and I lay there.. in tears… and the first thought was… "What the hell do I have left now?"… he might not know it… and he would possibly never believe it… but he really was that ray of sunshine in to my darkness… the one thing that made me smile and feel warm for once… I seeked his warmth so much… because I was so used to the cold… the cold that I lived in all the time… he offered me comfort and happiness… and I took it… being foolish… believing that maybe… JUST maybe… for once… in my life… The carpet wouldnt be pulled out from under.

 

So I went to the bathroom… took out a bottle of Tylenole and drank a shot of 6 in one sitting.  pocketed another six and went to sit in my room.   A little bit later I decided to go to the computer and log on… wait for him to come on so that we could "talk" while I sat there… i surfed the web.   and we talked. 

 

He came clean.  Sure enough… I was being stupid again… i was being to wishfull… thinking to innocently of him…. of course he had slept with someone… I wouldnt have doubted it… actually i kinda knew it.. but I denied it to myself… just as I always do… and put it aside… well… what do you know… it wasn’t just one person but two… he slept with his little "Mireya" and I guess he didn’t like it… or she didn’t like it so they stopped and she went on and he came back to me… his second string… and as foolish as I was I took him back.  Happy as ever!… but there was the

bar lady too you see… the lady that worked the Bar at the VFW where we went to the concerts every weekend.. he didn’t want to go back… he didn’t want to go because they shows were getting to "boring"…. and he wanted to change his number "Just because"…. so… he didn’t spend just one night with her… oh no… an entire weekend with her… all while I was off on my own little world doing god knows what…

 

and I felt dirty for what I did… me and ricky… well… we were just each others rebound… both of us were lost… and sad and just wanted to move on… and we tried… yet we failed… he’s with his girl again… and I was with Carlos… but not anymore… He went ahead and fucked two other girls.. maybe more that he isn’t telling me about…

 

anyway.  I took the meds.  and lord had I forgotten how that felt!! The pain… the heart rate… the breathing problems… blurred vision.  feeling sick.  oh and not to mention my body dying… oh yeah.  I could feel it… and then I told him.  cause he offered me a proposal.  and so I told heather.  thinking that she might help me out to keep it quiet while the first six pills passed and I could go home with only a little more liver problems.  But.. no.  she couldnt keep her little mouth closed now could she?  She paniced and when I told her to NOT tell her dad.  Becaue I didn’t want a lecture over something i already knew!!  and so she called her dad… and demanded that I drink over a gallons worth of water to make them go away. 

 

I was pissed.  and i know "she was only trying to help" but If I was twitching and shit I would understand.  I knew exactly how much more was needed before anything actually happened!.  all those 6 would do is give me a rather trippy high.

 

when I came back… all bets were off with Carlos… he didnt want anything to do with me… and my high was hitting at its worse.  I swear I thought shit was really going down or something.  Cause as soon as I sat up and tried to move I felt sick to my stomach and the floor moved from under me and I tripped. i couldnt even make it to the bathroom and its only a few steps away…

the remaining six pills? well… they disapeared… for the time being… and now I’m sitting here… holding them and wondering what exactly will happen now…. if I should… or shouldnt… if its worth it… if its not….

 

moms coming from Mo and should be here sunday morning….. when I tried to talk to her… she told me she was… to busy… and had other things to do with (dora) her friend… and that she would call me back later… its been 9 almost 10 hours… I just wanted to tell her I loved her… and that… i was scared and confused again… and that I thought it would be best if i went to a hospital right away… before anything bad happened to me… but I got turned away…

 

I would never call dad… or Rosie… even though I want to talk to her more than anything.  I want to make peace with her… even if I hate her boyfriend… and wish him dead… even if shes caused me more suffering than she knows by randomly having one of those" Oh well this happened to me" things… god I would have had the chance to actually be heard for once… and I would have gotten someone to listen to me… to realize that I wasn’t ok… that I’ve never been ok… ever since I was… well… what ever…

 

I wish someone could save me… I wish someone could talk to me… I wish someone would just put me to sleep… and thats why I have the bottle.  because all is lost… and there is nothing I can do about it now…

and now…. I’m blank.

 

<3

~Anti~