Teeming With Hate

I seem to have lost my meaning, or rather, any and all value for anyone or anything. I hesitate to speak in definite terms, as I suspect I’ll stumble across some of it eventually, as is often the case, but something is decidedly different this time around. Where, in most cases, the loss of significance comes from the loss of something physical; a friend, a goal, a chess match, or whatever…this time there is no accompanying loss that I can perceive. I simply find myself completely out of pleasure, or any hope for the future what so ever. Of the few things I know I enjoy, I remain an utter failure in my efforts to acquire them, and I lack the energy to browse new venues. In fact failure is a rather large contributor to the current state of affairs, as a slew of unsatisfied goals have been adding up for quite some time now, leaving me here now, without even anything left to fail at. Also troubling is a mysterious lack of concern for my supposed loved ones, who even in the the deepest of evenings caused me some melancholy distress. I feel as though I’m someone else…something else. A figment of someone’s dream, or imagination. A ghost, walking a tired body through the monotonous, futile, and repetitive motions of day to day tasks. Perhaps this frame of mind is truly as temporary as I hope it is, and only relates to the seemingly endless string of disappointments and failures that have plagued me. My brothers, once my most valued possessions that I could spend any amount of time laughing and sparring with, have become utter strangers. The oldest of which has turned into a crass social-addict who favors his whores over anyone else, and the youngest of which has turned into a moody uptight little bitch that I can no longer even persuade to play me in a game of cards. Although I’ve always prided myself on my ability to accept responsibility for my own dissatisfaction, the realization has finally arrived that my persistent and gentle coaxing is completely useless, and that it really is them and not me. I’ve been so helpless, for so long, in my abilities to move those that I value, that instead of feeling weak and disempowered like I used to, I’ve simply stop valuing them. I’ve lost all of the delicately intimate connections that fueled my love for humanity, and now I really just wish that…………………………………………