Something personal..

I’ve been thumbing through opendiary for interesting pieces of perspective, or even poetry, though I’m more of a mathematical mind than a literary one, and poetry usually doesn’t suit me. At this point I’ll take whatever originality I can get my hands on, as wading through page after page of trivial subjective garbage has me worn thin. Oh, I’m so fat. Oh, I’m so lonely. Oh, I’m so in love. Oh, here’s ten billion pictures of my ugly child. Oh, I had fast food yesterday and it gave me a stomach ache. Jesus Christ Almighty, I realize that we’re all self obsessed creatures here, but am I the only one with any desire to pioneer avenues of thought and consideration that are untrodden and undiscovered?

Don’t listen to me, really, I’m just at a certain point in my emotional cycle when I’ve ceased spiraling into isolation an depression and begun floating back upwards towards euphoria and elation. It’s strange to inherit genetic alcoholism/depression from one’s father, and hyper anxiety from one’s mother, when both defects contradict the nurture elements of the individual. By nature I am calm in any setting, and very appreciative of just about everything, so the unwarranted clouds of fear and anguish that rise and fall over me, uncontrollably, have always been a source of great curiosity. I suppose they add a depth to my personal experience, and a cyclical balance to my fluctuating perspective on things, but I don’t think they will ever be any kind of problem for myself, or any of my associates. The only way to beat an opponent is to know what he’s going to do next, and once you have yourself figured out the battle is over. I’ve considered counseling people who suffer from depression with this great empowering secret that I’ve discovered on my own; that once you’re aware of your patterns it just becomes a game of biding your time quietly in isolation during the low ends, with faith that it will pick up again soon, but most people have further reasons for it beyond genetic influence; be it social ignorance, unattractiveness, or what have you.

Regardless, this entire entry is just another exercise in futility. There is a certain release that comes with penning something to paper, even if nobody is going to read it, and in the state I’m in release is all I seek. I’ll be interested in concerning myself with documenting fresh angles on common constructs soon, I’m sure, but at the moment I simply need to remind myself that things sealed away inside my mind are, in fact, real, and not just some sort of perpetually forgotten dream.

People come here to vent. While I understand what your saying that some people really don’t have real issue like the real world, you have be compassion this is the place for some deal. Compassion should be universal not ur place demean some, judge some. Open heart. I would judge ur past this place vent over that..Whole peace comes from learning to open in kindness not perceptions in judgment

This what I learned, I usta be very judgmental, open yourself to world possibilities, stop looking through mathematics, knowledge..but integral acceptance..embrace..Math is trinity, is something that has many possibilities.. Thought process breaks this down..true mathematics get this

Ya sorry, thank u for nice words. I have horrible grammar. I am not judgmental though. I guess my stress wants pointed at u,sorry, I was worried my ex think like this, from note on his status board, look as he does.

I don’t mind strength in men …I just mind it when they use it AGAINST women. again, all I’ll say is that if you think it’s so easy to be a woman and deal with men and that all problems between men and women are women’s fault, then obviously you have never been in love with a man. you really can’t understand the struggle and strain of it from a woman’s perspective. it may be difficult for …

…for men to withstand the rejection and strain and struggle of the quest to win over women, it may be absolutely exhausting ..but that says nothing of what women go through once the falling in love part has already happened and the number of broken hearts men have left in their dust througout history …women too I know. you really could not understand unless you’ve been in love with a man….

…with walls built, wether there is anything behind them or not. the point is that in love there is not supposed to be any “game” or any strength used against the other at ALL….only self defense if anything, which is sometimes necessary….everything else is supposed to be giving. when many women fall in love with a man and then find out that there is strength used against them, just in….

…the day to day of the roller coaster of love, with all the highs and lows…. I know you think it’s about what society teaches little girls that eventually grown up into women about cinderella and knights in shining armor and romantic comedies, and many men use that line, and indeed it’s TRUE that that is somewhat of a problem in our society …but the real truth is that it’s not that…

…teaching that leads to broken feminine hearts…it’s a very instinctual fundamental belief in little girls/women before their first broken heart that a man they love and that loves them will taken care of them and want the best for them as they will in turn take care of him. when strength is used against them and a man loves them but still constantly wants to have the upper hand to save….

…HIMSELF damage and make sure she is always the one the carries the risk..it BREAKS a fundamental heart belief in a woman…that many women are never able to mend in their lives. but anyways it’s a natural healthy belief, not one that is taught by messed up societal day dreams. anyway personally I’m just giving my personal viewpoint as a woman, I can’t undersand what it’s like to be a man…

…but I have loved men, and after everything I finally whole heartedly believe that men and women have it equally hard in the game of love and in the in life itself. I just wish more people (men AND women) would have that belief.

RYN: you just in your last entry described romance as and I quote: “a grossly potent affection for ONE PERSON IN PARTICULAR”…which I was happy to see as hardly anybody these days talks about that aspect of love, that you can’t just love anybody out of all the billions of souls in the world. you may just love one person in your lifetime, you may love two, or 20, but nevertheless not just any…

…one will do. That is, you can’t just go looking for a “good guy” someone who is not an “a$shole”, make a list of all your requirements and then go shopping. Because to me the a big part of the whole definition of love is a connection between two souls in particular…sorry if that seems cheesy. The Oprah culture today will tell you that “love doesn’t hurt” and that damaged women with low….

…self esteem will subconsciously look for and sometimes just somehow magically attract men who will treat them the way they are used to be treating. I think there may be some truth to that and many women may end up with a-holes that they don’t really love anyway but they are infatuated and dependent on enough to be hurt very badly anyway when the men emotionally abuse them (and of course….

…any human being is vulnerable to being hurt physically by physical abuse)…But what that whole story doesn’t include is women who fall in love with men that treat them bad not because of the low self esteem, but simply because something more intangible attracts them…and the soul behind the bad stuff. ….ugh I have to pee and then I’m gonna lay down but I’ll finish my argument later.

I don’t usually gush over people like an idiot but your writing is incredible. It’s interesting that you say you have more of a mathematical mind because every sentence you write flows like poetry. I love when someone can really make me think and you definitely do. I must admit I’m guilty of writing about the boring, fat, lonely, in love, etc. bullshit and I totally agree with you… It gets old.