Reverb 1

The Core Paradox – Love and Hate – 6/23/2003

It’s been a while since my emmotions have had a chance to run rampant. Since the second or third time my heart found itself smashed on the sidewalk, it’s been more and more difficult to tap into that special and tickilish place. The relationship between love and hate, two apposing climaxes of the same element, is the eaisiest example of a theory I’ve developed over the last few years. This theory is based on pattern observation only, and has no sound value. It is, however, interesting as hell…if you’re the observant type. Define love at it’s core most root, as it is to you. A strong attachment, a draw, a perminant emmotional binding to someone, or something. Now lets define Hate, a strong attachment, a draw, a perminat emmotional binding to someone or something. Riddle me this, at the root of love and hate, two total opposites, what is the real difference? Have you ever fallen in love, and lost it? Or found out that he or her was cheating on you? Besides angry, what do you feel for that person? In a situation like that one can understand the old saying "there’s a fine line between love and hate." I say there is NO line between love and hate, or any climax and it’s anti-climax. I say that at the core, they are essentially the same. And thus it begins, I’ll get much more personal as I go, ice breaker’s are tough…even if nobody really gives a shit but me. Gabriel

Peace and Anarchy – 6/24/2003

Ah sweet anarchy…the one word out there that makes me want to lurch. Anarchy, the same old anthum for the same old mass expression of individuality known as the "punk" movement. Whiney little bitches if you ask me. Anyhow, back to the lesson at hand. The relationship between peace and anarchy is another example of my theory, stated in my opening monologue. I believe that peace and anarchy are one in the same; that peace can be found in anarchy, and anarchy can be found in peace. Define peace. A constant flow of harmony, repeating itself over and over. Define anarchy, "the total absense of structure." The key word being total, or constant…a constant flow of recklessness, repeating itself over and over. So we see the core root of peace and anarchy as being one and the same, the only difference is found in the specifics, that peace incorperate harmony and anarchy incorperate recklessness. Two more apposing climaxes, and by my theory, also one in the same. The following sentence is true. The preceeding sentence is false. And on and on we go… Gabriel

The Nature of Man and Woman – 7/8/2003

Ah, the old transendental battle. Which is Man’s true nature, good or evil? Nurture or Destroy? Readers and scholars over the years have argued that one into the ground. Hawthorne vs Emmerson, Therou vs Poe. So which is it? Good or bad? The answer: both and neither at the same time. Well no shit, you say. But let’s take a closer look. By seeking the answers to the "nature" of man, one is tracing the very essence of his or her own being down to the core root (a practice that should be applied with all forms of problem solving). At the root level, as I have discussed earlier, both climax and anti-climax are one in the same. Wheather or not a person is an evil doer or a good doer comes from worldly influence, but before that it all boils down to one thing…drive. The desire to live, to protect the life we have, and to consume everything within our power. Be it justification, love, emmotions, power, sex, whatever. We live for one reason, to live. Profound, eh? Heh heh. I’ll close this one with an appropriate quote. "Why bother with safe practices and carefully tip-toeing through life? I mean hell, it’s not like you’re going to live through it anyway." Gabriel

The Problem with Objectivism – 7/9/2003

Objectivsm, or the "intellectual religion" is a very applicable practice in personal growth and other worldy matters. It is a religion of paradoxes. Objectivists care for no one, and they care for everyone, they believe in nothing and they believe in everything. The religion seems to have been based on balance and perfect harmony, the direct apathetic center of all beliefs. There is one area that I have found in my meager experience that objectivists overlook: their own ego. A true objectivst should know and understand that his or her own beliefs are just as valid and proven as any other form of religion; their mindset just as valid and shaped as any other mindset. The bottom line being that no man or woman is any better than any other man or woman, wheather they be snobby pricks, dumb frat boys, whiney punk rockers, yuppies, lybrals, conservitives, etc. The problem with objectivism is the gratified craving for intellectual power, and the harmful effects that follow if one fails to humble oneself as often as one appraises oneself.

What Makes a Romantic? – 7/9/2003

Romanticism † 1. An artistic and intellectual movement originating in Europe in the late 18th century and characterized by a heightened interest in nature, emphasis on the individual’s expression of emotion and imagination, departure from the attitudes and forms of classicism, and rebellion against established social rules and conventions. 2. Romantic quality or spirit in thought, expression, or action. What, no chocolates? no flowers? no long walks on the beach? Allow me to reiterate my favorite part: "rebellion against established social rules and conventions." Do I need to say anything else to make the point? Probably…oh well, though. Gabriel

Why All Romantics Should Love Jesus – 7/10/2003

First of all, don’t get me wrong. I’m not preaching Christianity, at least not fundamental Christianity. I would merely like to point out that if one is a true romantic, a genuine romantic, he or she should be able to find love in God. Faith and belief is another story, for arguments sake I will be speaking only of the idea of God. First of all, let’s agree on what a romantic is. Someone who pays attention to detail, takes pleasure in the creative arts, and works to make themselves a compliment to the world around them (as apposed to making the world a compliment to themselves). Someone who appreciates everything. A believer in emmotional instinct. Faith, in anything, is one of the strongest emmotional instincts. Love (or hate), another one. The core of Christianity; Faith, Love, and Hope, is a completely romantic concept.

The sacrifice of the lamb, The forgiveness of sins, The journey to the promised land,

"I believe in God, the Father almighty, creator of heaven and earth, all that is seen and unseen. I believe in Jesus Christ, His only son, our Lord, Who was concieved of the virgin Mary, Suffered under Pontius Pilate, Was crucified, died, and was buried, He decended into Hell, on the third day he rose again in fulfillment of the scriptures, He ascended into heaven and is seated at the right hand of the Father, He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead, and his Kingdom will have no end." -Apostles Creed

The romantic nature of the Christian Church is nearly totally beside the point, I only meant to provide my argument w

ith a little ambiance. My real point is really quite simple: If romantics appreciate all the little things, and trust their emmotional instincts; is the idea of a single being having full knowlege and power over every little detail in the universe, every story, every pattern, every power….. Is it possible not to love such a possibility?

I’ll close with a Catholic prayer: "In all my temptations, I place my trust in you In all my weaknesses, I place my trust in you In all my difficulties, I place my trust in you In all my trials, I place my trust in you In all my sorrows, I place my trust in you In all my work, I place my trust in you In every failure, I place my trust in you Oh Sacred Heart of Jesus." Gabriel

Sub-Intelligence – 7/14/2003

The following, now removed for redundency, was a filtered log of notes left for a fairly tallented writer on my-diary. All entries posted that challenged any of the ideas on the diary site were deleted by the author without response, as is his or her right. If there is one thing about people of a higher than normal intelligence that bothers me, it’s the bubble of infallability they seem to create for themselves, or ego if you will. The unwillingness to continue learning, and dealing only with those left below ones own level, is frustrating to me. I like to see full potential met. "In the land of the blind, the one eyed man is king."

Destruction vs Creation – 7/14/2003

If a building is destroyed, a pile of rubble is created. If a rocking chair is created, a tree is destroyed. There is no destruction without creation, no creation without destruction. Nothing in this world can be created, only re-arranged…for all has already been created. Do creative people realize what they’re destroying? Do destructive people realize what they create?

In the eyes of the beholder… – 7/26/2003

Let’s define beauty. The quality that gives pleasure to the mind or senses and is associated with such properties as harmony of form or color, excellence of artistry, truthfulness, and originality. So if it’s true what they say, that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder," then exactly what lacks the potential to be beautiful? If there is an infinite number of eyes to behold, should that which is beautiful also be infinite? If beauty incompases all things, would it also encompass ugliniss? Can that which is beautiful be ugly? Can that which is ugly be beautiful?

August 2nd, 1999 – Note from the dark ages. – 7/27/2003

1:48 that sunday morning and where was I? tooling down a stretch of road that separated my home from Petoskey. I was starting to get delusional.. perhaps it was the fact that I hadnít been to bed since thursday.. or maybe it was the comings down of a non drug free evening that set my mind to work that morning. None the less, I was lit. I fed off the flashing lights and cigarettes, daring an officer of the law to pull me over for doing 18 miles an hour above the speed limit. It was a small thrill, but it was some thrill none the less. I hadnít accomplished more than the usual that night, or should I say the night before that morning. I had succeeded in making 21 dollars solid profit, broke routine by visiting an old interest, and managed to keep HER out of my mind at the same time. The pawns were set for a good night, and a good mood to go along with it. But here I was, rolling down M 1-19 with a radio and a cigarette. The cigarette not doing much for my cough, and the radio not doing much for my spirits. I turned the station only to find the end of a song I have on a CD at home.. I was disappointed to know that I had missed it.. even though if I wanted to, I could just pop it in when i got home. Shitís funny that way.. when you have the power to do something, such as listen to a specific song, you never feel like doing it on your own time.. but when it is unexpected, and random, it becomes the greatest thing of the moment. It had been 4 days since I stated that I had given up on the girl at last.. but part of me knew it was a lie, part of me would never give up. The hope was gone, however.. the hope of a life that I had conjured in my head was over.. but I remained. I was insecure for the first time in a long time. Itís funny how a personís natural medium never really alters.. everybody has a standard. But that standard can be raised, and it can be lowered.. eventually balancing itself back out to where it once was, with the help of time and routine. Itís the fluctuations in-between that make us grow, that make us strong. Say something wonderful enters into your medium, your life. Your standard goes up until that happiness becomes routine then your medium is balanced again and you are essentially where you were before that something entered your life. Now say that that happiness suddenly disappears from your routine, and your medium is drastically lowered.. since it is now unroutine for that object to be missing, you feel terrible.. although things SHOULD feel the same as before that object even entered your life in the first place.. again, time and routine balance things out, and return your standard to conform to no longer having what you had. Someone once said that life is 10 percent what happens to you, and 90 percent how you deal with it.. its all about attitude, about a good medium, despite the good and the bad that happen to you. I always forced a smile when I was drawn into talking about myself, I really shouldnít, itís a dead give away. I used to think that the secret of life and success was simple kindness.. but i moved from that to simple intelligence… then further on to simple confidence.. but recently I’ve discovered that the secret to being happy and successful is to be all three. If one person can be kind, intelligent, and confident.. then they will have no equal in character. Everyone, including myself, is too busy feeling sorry for themselves and being miserable to want to take the time to think things out.. and you know what? most of them donít even want to be happy, because then what would they complain about? and who would feel sorry for them then? nobody.. and when nobody feels sorry for you, itís a lonely place to be, even if you are happy. People like to pretend that they donít have control over themselves.. when in fact itís simple laziness.. they donít want to take the time to act or actually THINK something out, they would much rather dwell in misery and collect pity. Your mind belongs to you, you donít belong to your mind. Happiness has NOTHING to do with what happens to you, your luck, or fate.. happiness comes from how YOU react to what you are dealt, and what you do with it.. as I said before, a persons medium, or happiness level, never really changes.. it simply fluctuates from time to time. If one can maintain a high medium level, then no matter what happens, he or she will always turn out on the bright side of things.

August 2nd, 1999 Part Two from the whiney days – 7/27/2003

People like to pretend that they donít have control over themselves.. when in fact itís simple laziness.. they donít want to take the time to act or actually THINK something out, they would mu

ch rather dwell in misery and collect pity. Your mind belongs to you, you donít belong to your mind. Happiness has NOTHING to do with what happens to you, your luck, or fate.. happiness comes from how YOU react to what you are dealt, and what you do with it.. as I said before, a persons medium, or happiness level, never really changes.. it simply fluctuates from time to time. If one can maintain a high medium level, then no matter what happens, he or she will always turn out on the bright side of things. Beauty exists in almost everything.. it just takes the right frame of mind to see it.. that frame of mind is Nirvana, that is the ultimate goal. Once you take nothing for granted, nothing will take you for granted, and you will experience happiness at last. People tell me that I donít understand.. that how could I? Iím not them.. I donít know whatís going on, blah blah blah. Well sorry, I have a much greater understanding than most, simply because I am not mentally lazy.. the first step in solving any problems is to step outside of yourself, look at yourself objectivly.. donít let the problems that you have bog your mind down so you canít think of a solution. You have to step outside, get some fresh air, keep in mind that everything is a simple state of mind and that you are in control, and then look at yourself as an object, as an exhibit… as an auto repairman looks at a damaged vehicle. Bring yourself up, feed off of the world, off of beauty, of good things.. feed off of the good experiences in the past, off of compliments or your own personal strengths that only you are aware of.. feed off of other people, off of family, or friends.. stay positive. I have all of this, yet it is worthless to me without someone to circulate it through.. alone I can only fulfill half of my potential, I need somebody to push these feelings and thoughts through, to recycle them and give them back to me renewed.. only then will I be able to do what I am here to do, only then will I be able to follow through with my plan… but until then I wait, patiently. I was not made to be alone.. I believe that much of it is fate. Somewhere out there is somebody who will at last understand me and finally make me complete. I could give a shit less about sex or anything of the sort, Iím not seeking a body… Iím seeking a mind. Bodies with young nieve minds are plentiful and not hard to come by, but the person I seek is rare enough that I might not ever find her.. or maybe I already have, but simply do not know it. And the beat goes on… the beat goes on… drums keep pounding a rhythm to the brain. I drove faster now, the steering wheel shook under my hands and the radio was deafened by the engines exercise. I looked around my empty and cluttered car and for a moment saw everybody that had ever been in it while I was driving… …I saw Allison riding next to me, cuddled up in her coat 1000 times over.. I saw her in the back seat behind me, and also behind the passenger seat.. I saw and remembered every instance, I saw my brother riding shot gun on the way to town in the summerís afternoon, all the rest of my friends.. I saw Angela, Gary, Eric, Kelsey.. everybody that I had just drove around aimlessly with at night once upon a time, in a different world… I saw Sarah and heard her laughing at something next to me, her knees together leaning up against the door with a smile on her face. I saw the hitch-hiker with his enormous bag resting between us as we drove down US 131 in silence.. and then once again I saw no one, as it usually was just me.. just me, the radio, and my cigarettes. I love nostalgia, I love thinking about the past.. although it makes me sad to do so.. the past is something that can never be reality ever again. People change, relationships change.. lucky are they who can pick up where they left off, and have it still feel the same. ìThere are places I remember.. all my life, though some have changed… Some forever not for better… some have gone, and some remain… All these places have their moments.. with lovers and friends, I still can recall… Some are dead and some are living… in my life, Iíve loved them all..î -The Beatles No regrets.. donít focus on what you could have done, that will drive you crazy.. focus only on what you did do, the good times, and keep those in your heart.. DO NOT FORGET.. do what you have to to remember the good people, and the good times. That morning in my car I remembered a lot that I had forgotten.. and I smiled. I stepped out of my car that was now parked in the driveway and walked inside up to my room. Mentally exhausted I laid down, happy but hopeless.. preparing myself for the next day.