Psychosis

I was finally able to toss myself out of bed at 5pm, after sleeping for nearly thirteen delicious hours straight…every one of them an extension of an endless and detailed dream-life, who’s similarities to reality were just strong enough to allow me to keep myself, while the rest represented in no way any past reality I have ever personally known. Most of it was just completely fabricated, inspired by god-knows-what…and over the course of my adventures, I developed a nagging feeling that something was slightly amiss. Nearing the end of the dream I recall asking a woman I know but have never met, who stopped by for a visit, as she sat in a blue dress looking through a photo album that I had, but never seen, but none the less knew was boring, the following;

"This is going to sound really strange, because I know you’ve been here before….but I don’t recall -when- you were here, or actually any of the details surrounding it….do you?"

To which she laughed, laid a hand on my shoulder, and reassured me I was just silly…that of course she had been there before, and even flipped through the same photo album, and nearly fell asleep doing so. Well, I guess that proves it, I thought, yet couldn’t shake the feeling of offness.

There was a lot of barren outdoors, in my dream. Parking in the dark by the river bank. A dirty forgotten kitchen with cheap vinyl flooring, and stiff empty cupboards. A cabin in the woods. A grizzly bear attacking someone. But the physical details are long gone, leaving me only with that vague sense of psychotic uneasiness…this lingering doubt that what I’m experiencing is in any way real.

actually I hate to disagree with you, well…I guess i don’t totally…in the past it was absolutely true that I could not put my mind at ease unless I felt that he needed me…it’s all very unhealthy on both ends I know. Anyway I guess it makes me feel a little better that he seems to be needing but the truth is I don’t really see it this time around. in the past when I have “broken it off” ….

….he has usually kept me hanging for a couple of days, then inevitably broke down (except for the horrible first time when he broke my heart to bits and kept me hanging for a couple years..but moving on) and contacted me again and again telling me how incredibly sorry he was and how much he adored me, yadda yadda yadda. I don’t feel that at all this time, it’s more like he’s just going…

…through the motions, simply because he likes kind of…possessing me, and it’s also like if the little effort he’s making doesn’t work this time, it’s really no big deal to him anymore. I don’t feel any kind of feeling anymore on his end besides just wanting to hold onto something familiar and safe and have control over somebody. and that’s fine with me..cause it may have taken ten years…

..but I finally DON’T need him to need me…as the song goes. At this point it actually makes it easier on me if he doesn’t seem to care that much because I tend to feel very nurturing towards him regardless of the state of my more romantic feelings for him and I will start feeling guilty and worried real quick if he pulls some desperate dark scene, wether it’s acting or not. so I don’t mean…

…to be stubborn and argumentative and proud…you are absolutely right that it was like that for a very long time, that’s exactly how it was, you described it perfectly. but it’s different now…at least for now..for a while hopefuly, like you said, things change over time.

RYN: also about the other entry…I’m very aware the even bullies have feelings. I have stood up to people like I said mostly on the net, a few times in real life when I felt very strongly about something and suddently got brave and surprised myself…stood up to “bullies”…and many times even though I probably was in the right, I ended up going too far in defending myself or whoever else..

…I was fighting for and then I felt compelled to apologize after all that, and I did. which feels a little weird…but anyway I am very aware at this point that I have a tendency to go too far sometimes and get very defensive. As far as my dad is concerned though you have to realize that I know him better than you do, and also what he did to me, is something that I can’t ever forgive ….

…and also that the way he talks to me sometimes on a day to day basis, like I was describing in that entry is full of..not hate at all, but some kind of indiffernce and like I’m nothing but a nuisance and don’t deserve any respect. this has been an issue in my family for a long time the way he gets angry about things that aren’t really important or mostly that someone didn’t know they did…

…anything wrong. He just likes to feel in control of things I think. All that said I feel like if and when the deep dark secret comes out, I will have the easiest time of anybody of maybe not forgiving my dad, but understanding. I don’t really see my mom or brother or sister maybe even ever talking to him again after that. Not because I am more understanding or wiser or them or anything..

…but I think because with me there has always been a disconnect with my dad. I love him and have had some good times with him that I wil always remember, but he has never been my favorite person, not by a long shot. I think everyone else is more attached to who….they thought he was. Maybe who he really is in a way. I’ve also faced more darkness than them (even though they have had their…

..share for sure)..so for me this is just another dark thing that doesn’t feel all that much surprising after all. but for them it is earth shattering. Anyway I was wondering if there was something specific you’ve read in my diary that you think I think I’m right about but you think I’m not really as right as I think I am?

p.s. in regard to this entry….is there anything you’ve been worrying about in the daytime that could have caused the scary dreams. I know most people right now are a little paranoid about the swine flu getting them and their friends and families…but you don’t seem like the type to get overly paranoid about stuff. but I will tell you that when I have scary dreams they tend to happen two….

..to three days AFTER I watched a scary movie or heard worrisome news about a loved one or watched the damn national news or whatever. Then I wake up remember my awful dream but think that, “I don’t get it, I was feeling fine yesterday” but then I realized that I was feeling really uneasy, scared or sad, a few days before that. I guess it takes time to metabolize in my unconscious or something.