Innocence Ending

everybody always thinks they’re the only beacon of light and hope left in their friends and their friends are letting them down. I read it in practically every diary on here. somebody has got to be wrong.

Would you be more jealous if I said I met Arj Barker? If so, I wont say it. 😉

you withstand the person you’re in love with calling you a whore, a fat slut, an idiot, a faggot (just to give you an impression of what it’s like to be called a whore for a woman) and a useless f*ck-up 100’s and 100’s of times as if it were the truest thing she could ever say in the world, then come back to me and tell me that there’s no such thing as emotional abuse. I just lost all respect…

…for you. ask him. he knows what he did, he’s even sorry and not because he’s trying to get on my good side, he hates ever admitting he is wrong, but because he knows exactly what he did. I didn’t say he was a bad guy, I’m in love with him, he’s extraordinary, wonderful person, a kind person, just not when he is calling me a stupid useless whore. then he would charm me so ridiculously ….

…that I could not resist, what do you want, I was in love, I am a romantic , and I am as hopeless as they come. I am NOT strong. I am NOT independent. And I’m not even ashamed to admit that, I never was, and I never will be. so maybe it was my fault for coming back time and time again and for thinking with the situation that it was even a good idea for either of us to keep talking, I am…

…not even claiming that i never hurt him, I hurt him a ridiculous amount and I’m sorry for it. I really dare you to imagine the woman you love talking to you like that, then reeling you back in , then doing it again, and over and over again. but you see what you don’t understand is that when you really love someone there is no time limit there is not limit to how many times you will hope…

…that they will stop saying those things and acting like that, because you see the good in them and you never stop seeing it, no matter what. that’s why it took so long for me to give up. He prayed on my insecurities , that I am self conscious about my weight, but most of all about my intelligence, he weaved stories that I couldn’t help myself but read about the girl that was just a little…

..to chubby for him and didn’t get the jokes and the literary talk, and that kinda turned him off, she’s kinda gross..etc. etc. I knew it was about me. then next thing he writes that there’s this girl that is so beautiful he cant’ take his eyes of her and she is so smart and thinks just like me and makes me feel so great…and I knew it was about me, which was great, but all it was really…

…a set up for the next fall, for the next beating of my self esteem. It was calculated like editing a movie, he knew everything he was doing, yet I feel another part of him was completely oblivious and just on for the ride and really did love me. then again he would say, oh no I think I just said something to really hurt my girl and I think I messed up I was just stupid, but I love her…

..she’s wonderful. etc. etc. I never stopped hoping that “this time it would be for real”. I’ve finally stopped hoping now. anyway it was wrong to keep him hanging on with this long distance thing, and I am sorry for that, I tried and tried to let him go. I am not done hoping for all of time though just for this life, just for a while. so please don’t tell me there’s no such thing as …

…emotional abuse and “that’s just the way men are” “boys will be boys” yadda yadda. If you had gone through it you would realize that if that were the truth every woman in this world would be miserable like me, a lot less people would get married and stay married for more than a couple years. And just…god help us women if what you say is true, because if what you say is really true…

…then I don’t think any woman ever really had a chance in love, and there’s really no point to dating or even looking at any man unless it’s in a brotherly way, or you’re just in it for sex. I know I’m not going through all that cr@p ever again. If that means I never know what it means to be loved and held by a man not even in this life but even after it, I’d rather be alone. I don’t….

….want a perfect man, I don’t want a knight in shining armor, that’s what they always blame it on (that would be you guys, the “they”), women expect too much, society brainwashed them to want too much, well not me , not a lot of us…I just want a man to be f*cking HUMAN. that’s all.

p.s. basically what you’re saying with your note, is as long as it feels “natural” for a man to play head games with a woman in a relationship….if he is emotionally cruel to her, and it affects her negatively…that’s really her fault for being affected by it, and she then goes and puts the blame back on the guy? I’m sorry I am not good with those kind of word riddles…even in sitcoms when…

…they do funny word riddles where there is some misunderstanding, like “I know that he knows, but he doesn’t know that I know that he knows…” I get really confused. I’m not good with time zones either. But basically what you’re saying is that anybody can treat anybody however they want (so long as there is no PHYSICAL violence or wrongdoing), can say whatever they want no matter how…

….hurtful and if a person is illaffected because of it, it’s really their fault for being affected at all. Does this even apply to children and the way their parents speak to them…does it apply to work collegues or best friends, or just to from men to women in romantic relationships? do you not expect your buds to call you on something when you stab them in the back, tell them they…

…are worthless. do they get to get mad, do they get to give you the silent treatment for a while. is it only women who should be happy with whatever they get?

here’s my profound wisdom for the day. I have this theory that men act this way “naturally” perhaps, because something in them is so incredibly terrified that women will just take over if they don’t continue to keep them down. On individual levels, men are afraid if they let a woman in their heart and also give them the respect they would give anyone else in their lives, their buds, their dad..

…their children…that the woman will just completely consume him or something, and he will cease to exist or something. it’s all about the upper hand, if you’ve ever seen that Seinfeld episode. the horribly ironic thing that men don’t know, is that women don’t WANT the upper hand. only men do. women only want to be equals, most women don’t ever want to have “hand” (lol I’m remembering…

…that episode.) They work so hard to keep us down, never knowing that if they didn’t, we wouldn’t even try to take over. That’s ironic.

Actually, Arj is the guy who plays their best friend. The Indian dude who lives with his parents but pretends they are his roommates. Thankfully (given the circumstances), I did not meet either of the Conchords. It’s a terribly long story, one that I’m not at the point of being able to look back and laugh at. Let’s just say I wouldn’t be surprised to see an episode on season three based on it.

really I have to tell you again, you weren’t THERE. you have no idea what he put me through and the kind of subtle sophistication he used to manipulate me, the only reason I pointed out those times he insulted me is because that’s WHAT I CAN REMEMBER CLEARLY. they are simple, vulgar, easy to remember words. that’s not even 1 percent of the whole picture, which you will never really know, …

…because only he and I really know the extent of what went on these past 11 years. some people think they know but as the saying goes, they really have no idea, they only know maybe 10 percent of all that was really said between us…some horrible some wonderful. But frankly I really have a lot more faith in him than I do you, I know him, I know what he is capable of in hurting people, I …

…also know he has a good heart that in it’s center is really as sweet as they come, despite the harshness of the outside layers sometimes. maybe a little bit like a woman, lol, he jokes about that sometimes. …like you said, but I don’t really want a woman, I am really mostly attracted to men, and he’s quite a man in my eyes and that’s the kind of man I want, and what I consider is much …

…more manly than what you are describing. “I’ve come to take it for granted that blaming other people for their own problems is simply an intrinsic part of being a woman.” ther I guess we just have a difference of opinion. I blame men for what they actually do to me to harm me. I don’t blame him for all my problems, I don’t blame him for MOST of problems, 95% maybe about of my problems ….

…come from other places, from my parents, from my circumstances, from God, even from myself, I totally admit, though I think I’ve been dealt unlucky cards in life I never really know how much blame to take because when I take blame it only makes me stay in bed a whole lot more and makes my life even worse, hence more blame for me to take, and on and on. I feel like sometime I’m gonna…

…have to stop telling myself a thousand times a day internally that I’m a worthless piece of sh*t, and maybe I’ll actually get somewhere in life if I can believe only for a single moment that I am not a bad stupid horrible person. anyway, most of this stuff was there before him, and most of my problems come from other things, I just do expect him to take some responsiblity for the harm….

…he’s caused and the way he’s manipulated and denegrated the person he is supposed to love and take care of (as I am supposed to love and take care of him, and I have, like no one ever did before in his life, even though he deserved it-if you knew him you could ask). I have been far away but I have taken care of him and nurtured him and told him how great he is in a million different ways…

…literally. I have tended to him with the greatest care and I loved every minute of it, and you know what in between the abuse he did the exact same with me, and it didn’t make him less of a man in my eyes. at some point I realized that even though he hurt me in intervals in horrible manipulative very conscious ways…..all the immense care and effort he took the other times to write me and…

…take care of me and LOVE me, he really meant it. so you say I don’t want a man who’s human, but I really want a woman. what if I want a man that shows just a little bit of respect for a woman he loves and takes care of her as she takes care of him. do they just not make em like that no more? or did they ever? well I already found one, he is just a little rough around the edges, and as …

….much as he does use his past history of abuse to manipulate women into feeling sorry for him and wanting to take care of him, I do believe it all really happened and it’s part of the reason he is the way he is now. I don’t know what excuse you have. “I’ve come to take it for granted that blaming other people for their own problems is simply an intrinsic part of being a woman.” and…

…at this point I take it for granted that many men cant’ take responsibility for their actions or the consequences and will just make excuses like, “i was just joking, can’t you take a joke”….or “you’re responsible for your own feelings and how you react to things, I can only be who I can be”…it’s a cop out, I’ve got God to blame most of my problems on if I can’t bare to blame myself….

…I don’t need to blame them on men, and I don’t. I only want men to admit to WHAT THEY ACTUALLY DID, and not pretend like they can just rewrite history and try to brainwash women into thinking they are not allowed to stand up for themselves in any way no matter how they are wronged. bottom line: whatever kind of creatures men are or can’t help but being, love is supposed to be supportive…

…a safe place for both man and woman. I will keep believing that till I burn out and cease to exist. what the hell is the point of love if not for that? nothing, there is no point except for that. one partner should not diminish the other’s worth in order to feel more powerful or less vulnerable, either the man or the woman. and whatever word games you play with me (as I said I’m not good..

…at them, you CAN’T make it ok to say boys just will be boys and there’s no such thing as emotional abuse…and…you can’t make it true. in this world we’ve got to be able to speak up when we’ve been wrong, if there was no such thing as emotional abuse then no mother ever told her son repeatedly that he was a retard and that son never had lifelong struggles because of that. and you and…

..I both know that’s happened somewhere, sometimes, probably a lot more often than we’d like to think. but our arguments are the same really. you say women never take responsibility for their own problems, I say men never take responsibility for their own actions (and words CAN be actions in the way they are cause and effect)…but I don’t really believe that of all men, because even the one…

..been talking about HAS taken responsibility for his actions and has apologized to me, not because I forced him to, I force him to do nothing, I’m not his mom, I love him, I like him free and getting to do what he wants in life. the problem is you make a blanket statement of all women, and that is discrimination plain and simple. I don’t think I have to copy and paste that statement again, ….

…but I hope you don’t truly believe that, and if you do, I hope you never have a daughter, cause she is totally screwed.

anyway,I don’t want to fight with you anymore. I still like you, hope we can be friends someday. I just have a lot of issues with this stuff as you can tell. I don’t get why it has to be so hard. like I said, I blame most of my miserable life on god and the difficult circumstances I’ve been dealth, I guess I do think of him as a man, but not because of man issues, because that is just what ….

..most of us are taught, what I was taught in Catholic school as a kid…it stuck with me, but as much as I hate God sometimes, I also think of him as a man because I really love men, and I love one particular man (not God, the other one), and my heart is set on a man, I don’t want to be a lesbian, so if you’re saying if I want love and caring and tenderness I’ll have to be a lesbian, then…

…I don’t think that is really fair. you don’t get to tell me that one of my biggest truest dreams can’t ever come true just because men are different from women and I’ll never understand them. I do just want a human, man. I think it’s possible someday.

it’s a cop out if someone acts badly and then acts surprised when anyone would dare be offended or hurt by it…not just men, women do it too. people do it in all situations, not just romantic ones. people will feel that they are allowed to act however they want even if it infringes upon someone else’s rights and then they defend themselves by saying, “hey, you’re responsible for your own ….

…feelings. but that’s not really accurate. we are responsible for our own feelings and handling our own reactions to things that are difficult for things, but we are also responsible and entitled to speak out when someone does infringe on our rights. when two children are playing and one of the kids starts calling the other one names and saying they are stupid and ugly and no one likes them..

and the child starts crying…are we surprised? no, no one who’s ever been around children would be. Do we say, oh joey, you are responsible for your own feelings, so suck it up, he has the right to say whatever he wants to you, there’s nothing you can ever do about it. I would not let my child do that to another child even if the other child has the option to go to another play area..

…cause it’s just not right and makes for a confused kid. granted we are not chldren, we are adults, and that carries with it responsibilities and inevitabilities of difficulties that we have to hold our tears in for. I’m sure you don’t cause you are so blissful and such a tough guy anyway, I’m sure you never cry. but still it’s logical. yes we can walk away from someone who says mean…

..things to us, demeans us, belittles us. but is it really any surprise that we can be hurt by it? are you really that in human that you can’t understand that. am I not good enough because I have feelings that can be hurt. I don’t understand. do you mean to say that to depend on anyone in anyway emotionally makes you a cripple, broken? then what exactly are all these other people for?

I’m now just going to kindly ask you to leave me alone and stop beating up on me. you’re now going to say that we were just having a rousing conversation and I’m reading into things. nevertheless here’s the truth of the “FEELINGS” that you hate that women are so weak to have that it disgusts you even while you lust after them. since obviously I am not smart enough to truly understand …

…and follow the intricacies of the actual thoughts in this conversation. bottom line is this. with every note I leave and every comment I get from you I’m feeling weaker and weaker and more and more worthless. I realize that you think women are weak and stupid and broken, but I THINK THAT IS DISGUSTING AND I HATE YOU FOR IT. I HATE you for thinking that you even have a smidgen of an idea…

…of what my life has been about….why I love who I love, WHO he really is (you obviously don’t know him). I hate you for every corset, and I hate you for every broken heart and every rape, and every time a little girl’s crush told her she has cooties and she was gross on the playground. I hate you for it, and I don’t care if most of that wasn’t your fault, cause you’re buying into it all so…

…damn easily, as natural as breathing, and it’s all part of the problem. here’s some logic for you. should be so easy to understand for some as smart as you. men and women are equal in worth as god created them. a little different, as we’ve exposed here. nevertheless equal, some men are bad apples, some women are, some men break hearts, some women do, some just make mistakes…

..some men are wonderful people, some women are. men tend to be somewhat better at math and science, possibly because of brain biology though women seem to be catching up, women sometimes more literary and artisticly talented (although not always, obviously there have been many very talented men in artistic areas, I know many), more nurturing in some ways, but I do believe men are quite capable..

…of being loving and tender. women just are in a more obvious way, not necessarily in a more true way. and perhaps sometimes women blame too much on men, I really can’t know every story, I can’t know YOUR story, but could you just have the humility to realize that you don’t know the billions of stories in the world, and maybe once in a while a woman has a point. the difference between you…

and me (NOT men and women in general, just you and me here) is that I only want you to admit that women are no more weak (yes they may cry more easily but overall in the way they withstand the hardships over their lifetimes, they are just as strong and hardy as men are) or stupid, or handicapped (I am but I am a particular woman, most aren’t)…just men aren’t better than women. simple as …

….that. men and women are equal in every way that counts in God’s eyes. different but equal. COMPLETELY utterly and amazingly equal in worth, as groups, and in taking any random good woman and good man into measurement. that’s all I want you to say. and I guess it makes me “weak” to want you to say that because I’m not supposed to want anybody else outside of me to validate myself in any way

…somehow even though I’ve only read maybe a dozen of your entries, I just expected more of you, and I am disappointed. not in men in general. just in you. I don’t want to be better than anybody just equal, and I don’t want to place blame where it doesn’t belong, just where it does. as for the guy, it is a done deal, I’ve loved him for a while now. I do love him, I don’t really care what …

…anyone says, I see what I see, and you can’t convince me it’s not there, it’s too late for that, and I want it to be that way. I don’t ever give up on him. and I’m not the stereotypical battered woman, I don’t go back for the beatings, not because I feel i deserve it. I maybe am the stereotypical woman in love. anyway I’m not going back anymore, but still holding out hope for someday.