Why

 I felt a sudden burst of sadness after chatting with a dear friend. Actually, I was supposed to be elated since it had been so long since we last connected. I guess it was because I had to do another round of story-telling-a-lie to her. I have been lying for the longest time now, actually for almost 2 or 3 years and still going. Until I am in this  relationship, I will become a prisoner of truth or of its opposite.

I am very worried and concerned that I might loose precious friendship and future ones for the fact that I can’t even be true to myself. I missed sincerity but atleast I have slowly reconciled with my life long friends one by one after one revelation after another. I was tough but I knew I had to do it for I want to keep them. I lament that I have to continue making lies until such time that he liberates himself from his earlier broken bond. As I await for his perfect time, I am afraid that sooner or later, I might not be able to remember which one is true from one that is not. Difficult decisions that I have made a long time ago.

Now, occasionally, I ask myself if I did what was an intelligent choice. I know this love is true but something still feels not right, for it wasn’t right from the beginning. I have defeated all logics for no such logic could ever define and explain what we have in the eyes of the public. But only the hearts and sympathetic minds could understand it. I have imprisoned myself in this true but kept love, I am happy but at times, I am not. I feel contented one minute but I lose my peace when worry overwhelms me.

 Help me! My heart is pinned down every time I see evidences of truth of his previous but existing affair. Butterflies in my stomach makes me sick when threat is at bay. I count each day as if it was my last but anticipates for the future still. As I look in the mirror in the silence of this night, I can no longer see myself or perhaps a different me is what I see that I no longer recognized as I have already lost myself since I came here.

Overnight, I have transformed into a domesticated divalette of the kitchen, a more obsessive compulsive house keeper and a pessimistic careerless woman. But I do keep my deteriorating faith for it will be the only key to pull me up. I am still hopeful that hopefully, I will regain everything back as i start in my new job, the authentic one.

I wish to regain my inner and outer strength and re align my focus to bring back my once lost self-the go-getter, the achiever, the ambition-driven and  the independent strong-willed.

I always pray to all the saints and to my departed Lola for immediate help. If not for the realization of my wishes, at least for depression reliever and of my inner angst in life at present. By the next blog, with crossed fingers, I want to see a more positive note in it. Until then.