Just A Moment

 I was lying on Connors bed staring at the absurd shapes hiding in the textured ceiling. I could hear a soft click, click, of the mouse as Connor sat next to me battling a dragon in a digital world. While I listened, a thought occurred to me, what am I doing with my life, with my day? I had sat in the same place ever since I got off work.  The thought filled me with an abrupt burst of energy. I felt it well up inside of me giving me a sudden urgent need to do something. It was at that moment that I sat up and said, “I want to go outside.” Those 5 words and 16 letters changed everything. The clicking stopped. I met Connors eyes and he smiled and set the computer down. He stood held his hand out and said, “ok.” I am extremely spontaneous and the second I feel the urge to do something I just do it. Connor knows this about me so rather than question it he just accepts it. It is something I cherish and love about him.

When I stepped out the front door, I immediately felt more alive. I didn’t know what we were going to do outside, or where the evening would take us, but I knew it was where I wanted and needed to be. The sun was hidden, tucked behind the hills and nestled behind tall trees. The sky was the deepest blue and night was approaching.  The air was cool and fresh. I stepped barefoot onto the green grass. I noticed a volleyball on the lawn just sitting there unaccompanied looking very desolate and forgotten, a single white dot encircled by dark green. I knew then what I was going to do. I started kicking it like a soccer ball.

Connor laughed and told me “you’re not supposed to kick a volley ball.”

I told him “I shall kick the volleyball if I want to,” and sent it flying at him laughing.

He bounced it up with his foot and caught it then bounced it toward me. I hit it like a volleyball. We both started bouncing it around the yard.  I have never been good at volley ball or any sport for that matter, but I didn’t let it bother me I just had fun.  A wile passed and the sky darkened. Ry came up the street walking the dog. She stopped to laugh at us both making fools of ourselves as we ran all about trying to hit the ball. I kept trying to get her to join in, but she just hovered by the for sale sign that was staked at the edge of the lawn by the road. Cake and Paigy must have heard us all yelling and laughing because they came out of the house to see what we were doing. I suggested forming teams for make shift volleyball. It was Ry and I against Connor and Cake. Paigy didn’t want to play because she’s the youngest so she stood on the side lines cheering and coaching. We used the for sale sign as the net line. In a way it was somewhat unnerving. All 5 of us on the lawn playing with the for sale sign between us. It reminded me that this home this lawn would not be theirs, ours much longer. We might not ever play on it again like this. Next summer we will go our separate ways. Connor and I will head to OR, Ry off to college, and we might never be having a moment like this again. It made me appreciate it even more.

While we played, I watched Ry laughing and smiling. I wish she were that way all the time. Its hard to capture something not tangible but if I could I would. It is when she is smiling and laughing without a care in the world that she is most beautiful! When she is happy she has a bright light that glows making everything around it more bright and beautiful. I do not know how to explain it, but it makes me really happy to see her letting go and just having fun. She is to serious most of the time and intense. At these moments I really love to be around her. I really care about this pseudo sister of mine. I always wanted one and now I have 3! It’s the greatest thing in the world.

When it got dark, we just sat on the grass under the stars and talked about being kids and our memories of playing. It always makes my heart ache when I play with all of them like this. Even though I think of them as my family and sister’s I still get sad. It makes me miss my brothers my family. It makes me want to be a child still. I miss it. All the fond memories of my childhood involve one or both of my brothers. I hate that we are not as close anymore. I wish my family could have been like Connor’s functional and loving family. A mother and father both supportive and in love. If it had maybe, I wouldn’t be so messed up. I sound selfish because I have both now. I get to be a part of Connor’s family as well as mine, so I should not complain, but I want what I have now for my brothers to. They are both so lost. I wish I could share this love and warmth I get from Connor’s family with them. Even though my heart was aching I still loved every second of this time we spent together. A simple volleyball and the 5 of us together all Laughing and living together.  I wished the moment wouldn’t end. I wished we could all just go on playing and laughing forever. It ended though. An hour passed and then another and another soon a new day began. These moments make me so thankful I am alive. Its moments like these that I will never forget.