OverWhelmed

The Parental Unit started having issues yesterday…Just, not all there mentally (more than usual) and they forgot to take the morning meds they’ve been taking for almost 10 years. I suggested going to the ER and they flat out refused so, ok…I tend to catastrophize everything when the slightest thing goes out of whack, so I will trust them for a bit longer before I insist. Of course, this made my thoughts spiral out of control last night to find every single one of the worst outcomes, which means I slept like shit and woke up around 4 am and couldn’t get back to sleep.

I ended up taking a half day off work yesterday to hang out with PU to try and figure out if something had happened or if maybe their sleep schedule is off again. The issues they were having also happen when tired and they did mention staying up all night and sleeping most of the day. hopefully, that’s all it is and once their sleep schedule is back on track things will even out again.

Being in this caregiving situation has been such an isolating experience. I don’t do anything but work and go over to help them out. I was going to say “it’s not like I mind” but I actually do. I’m angry that I was manipulated into this position and I’m expected to provide the support that I never got and really have no idea how to provide. I’m not a fan of figuring shit out on the fly. I prefer to gather as much information as possible and look at all my options and then make an informed decision from there. I can’t do that with the PU. It feels like I’m always reacting to whatever the “emergency” of the day is to them. I texted a friend who has said in the past that I can vent but it just feels like I *always* have something to vent about. It’s been ages since I asked them how they’re doing b/c like all of us they have shit going on in their life as well. I just can’t seem to bring myself to ask them b/c I don’t have the mental bandwidth to empathize with them about their issues.

I haven’t been sleeping well lately b/c I keep waking up thinking my phone is ringing or vibrating with a call/text from the PU and it’s like I’m wide awake after that so it’s a struggle to get back to sleep. When PU passes I’m very tempted to turn off my phone service and get a landline. I probably won’t do that but I am definitely going to get a new phone number and not give the new one out to anyone, even what family I have left. I may give them my google voice number and just turn off forwarding. I’m so tired of being “on call” *all the time*.

Ugh…shit sucks right now and I’m doing my best to not spiral down into my normal depression hole. I can only do what I can do and I can’t prepare for every situation because I’m trying to do that now and it’s wearing me down which will cause me to end up in a depression pit and then I can’t be useful for either of us.