Out of Control

A while back I wrote about being diagnosed with Type II Diabetes and how I was going to do my best to get it under control and not have to be on medication for the rest of my life. Not only did I do that but I actually reversed my diabetes to the point that all my bloodwork was completely normal and my doc marked the diabetes as resolved in my medical record. That was around May of last year and now in May of this year, I feel like I’m right back where I was when I was first diagnosed. I’ve gained almost all the weight back that I lost and my last bloodwork in December showed me just on the cusp of being pre-diabetic again. I’m so goddamned angry with myself for throwing away all that progress I made and basically ending up right back in the same predicament. I know what I need to do to be healthy and I simply don’t do it. I know I have to buy groceries instead of eating out all the time and yet I eat out almost every day of the week at least once, usually more.

I’ve gotten really sloppy with my mental health as well. Taking care of the Parental Unit has required more and more time. It’s beginning to be too much for me. I’ve talked to them about this and asked about looking at assisted living and was yelled at for almost a week. Tried to call my older sibling for advice/help and was told “Sounds like you both have a good system in place and you’re taking care of things”. I specifically said that wasn’t the case and I was completely overwhelmed, they changed the subject and I haven’t heard from them in a couple of months.

I never wanted to be a caregiver but here I am mid-40s, alone and getting sicker. I don’t know what to do, that’s not true. I know what I need to do for my mental and physical health but I’m just not doing it. After every interaction with the PU, I feel like I “deserve” to go out to eat or to pick up a pizza on the way home. If I don’t get this under control it’s going to really fuck me up later in life, if I make that far.