Another Week

I ended up with over 50 miles of just running this month. I didn’t actively set or chase that goal but I did it and I’m pretty proud of that. I feel so much better on runs the last 2 weeks since I adjusted my diet a bit and included some sweet potato on the nights before I run the next day. I was having issue with heavy legs and feeling like I had to stop. That’s gone away completely and I’ve been doing 2 – 2.5 miles per run with an average pace of 10m30s. I’m going to start planning my run workouts a bit more using the Agile Software Development model. Basically that just means planning 2 weeks worth of workouts and then re-assessing at the end of each 2 week “sprint” and making adjustments if needed.

Someone I had (have?) a crush on gets married today. We’re friends and there was some indication that they might’ve been interested in me but neither of us really followed up. *shrug* I just didn’t really want to deal with the drama of them breaking up with their partner but now that the day has arrived I’m sad. I’m happy for them but sad that finding someone to love/love me just isn’t going to happen. It is what it is, I suppose. I keep hearing that when I stop looking is when I’ll find someone but tbh I hadn’t been looking for many years before I jumped back into the dating pool earlier this year and certainly didn’t find anyone then. I’m going to make an effort to go to a few running group meetups. I fully admit that I haven’t been going and doing things with other people. I’ve relied exclusively on online dating and it’s been a terrible experience. I paid for an OKCupid membership for a while and was ghosted twice and barely got any “likes” during that time. But literally the day after I cancelled my membership I got 15 likes. Obvious money grab is obvious :-|. I last checked a few days ago and the like count is up to 50+. Of course you can’t see the likes without an active membership…whatever. Maybe I’m just destined to be alone or maybe that’s the destiny I’ve made for myself and I’m past the age where I can change that. I should note that I’m looking for someone around my age with no kids and who doesn’t want kids and since those are non-negotiable the dating pool is pretty slim, apparently. I have been struggling with my sexuality the older I get. Well, not struggling but realizing that I am attracted to both women and men. I’m not sure about the attraction to men tho..That may just be a sex thing. It’s been so long since I’ve had sex maybe I should just give it a try. I did take part in a mmf threesome when I was younger but didn’t really do much with the other guy but wasn’t opposed to it. It was just awkward as one might expect. This is the first time I’ve ever really thought about all this now that I think about it. hmm..I definitely need to think about this more and see if I can figure out what’s what.

I finished watching “How I Met Your Mother” on Amazon yesterday. That’s another thing that gets me down. I’m a sucker for those type of sitcoms. I want to be active and social with a group of people like that. But that’s not real and I’ve been holding on to that for most of my life so my views on friendships and relationships is not very healthy because of it. Real life is messy and everyone has their baggage/crazy/whatever. I’m still hoping I can find someone who’s baggage and crazy compliment my own but the older I get the harder it seems to be getting to meet the type of people I’m looking for. I’ve already decided that I’m not going to live to be old enough to even consider going into any type of nursing home or the like. Fuck that. I’ll hop a plan to Alaska and disappear before that happens.

This has been a pretty eye opening post for me. It’s def given me some things to think about but it’s a bit chilly as I sit outside the bucks writing this so I think I’m going to go get a pizza and find some place warmer to eat it.