A Good Week

I feel like I’m getting back to my “normal” after Parental Unit’s hospital/physical rehab stint. I still worry about them to a point that’s not healthy for me mentally and physically but at least I can recognize it, most of the time. I want them to be able to live happily and as normally as possible for as long as possible on their own but I really think those days are coming to an end. They’re not going to accept that and I completely understand. One thing about this entire experience has taught me is that getting old really isn’t for the weak. It’s heartbreaking to see the ability to do what most would consider easy tasks become increasingly difficult. It’s frustrating for all involved but more for the person who is aging.

I’m getting back in “the flow” work-wise and finally feel like I’m doing something other than staring at the wall or just spinning my wheels all day. I’m still not getting out and “living my life” as I promised myself. Mostly I just work, sleep and go to PU’s apartment. It’s so damn hard to make friends or date these days. I’ve spent most of the last decade single with the same set of friends that I really don’t interact with. How the hell does one in their mid-40’s actually meet new people/potential partners? I’ve joined a few Facebook groups of hobbies that I’m interested in and almost gone to a couple of meet-ups but I end up chickening out b/c going places where I don’t know anyone is not my strong suit. I’ve come to realize that unless I want to be alone for the rest of my life I need to get over that sooner rather than later.

I have been struggling with my weight and eating habits lately. Just the stress of worrying about the PU has made me really inconsistent with eating, exercise, sleep, etc. For those that might not have read my older entries, I was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes in May of 2021. I successfully reversed it along with high BP/cholesterol and a few other bad things through eating better and exercising. At my last doc appt in May of this year (2022) I was still good to go with everything but since then I’ve been very inconsistent with eating and what not so last month I took a standalone A1C test to see where I was and I’m just back into the prediabetic range. The normal range goes to 5.6% and I was 5.7% so not as bad as I was expecting but still worrying. 2 weeks ago I started going to the gym to walk on the treadmill since I don’t feel like almost getting run over walking around my house and the gym is a three-ish minute drive from my house. I’ve been fairly consistent with that but I’ve had days where I’m just “what’s the point of it”. The same mentality creeps in when I want to eat. Do I cook something or just go to Taco Bell/Chipolte/Mcdonalds/etc? It’s really tiring to have to think about it so much.

A lot of my issues revolve around the fact that I don’t want to be in my house. I hate it there but I can’t afford to fix all the issues to sell it and even if I sold it I can’t afford to buy anything else. On top of that, I don’t want a bigger house if anything I want a tiny house or just something smaller than I have now, and those have been impossible to find where I live and I can’t move out of the area b/c of the PU. So I guess I just feel trapped in my house which makes me hate being there even more.

I just need to keep hanging on and recognizing the issues that cause me stress/anxiety and maybe I’ll survive this.