pain.

     Damn it, the happiness is gone again. While I was waiting in the band dressing room because I had awhile before stage call, I had a breakdown (my breakdowns involve brief sobbing and a feeling of hatred toward myself). Since other people were there, I pretty much ran out the back and out into the warm summer night. I walked around the perimeter of the theatre barefoot(walking barefoot makes me feel free), tears streaking down my face. The night calmed me down, though. There’s just something about walking around barefoot at night in downtown Modesto that makes you feel…well, calm. I soon grew paranoid I would be late for my stage call, so I went back inside. When I checked my phone, I  found a text that made me breakdown again. I didn’t let myself cry, though.

     I faked so many smiles tonight. So many laughs. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate myself. I hate how my friends’ happiness causes me so much pain. I hate how freaking unhappy I get just because of some meaningless words thrown together. I hate this all. I need to get out.

     Smile,

     Rachel.