I don’t even know

I don’t know how to start this but here goes nothing I guess.
I wish I was the type of person who knew what motherly love felt like. I wish I didn’t have to explain why I can’t just ask my mum for things. I wish I didn’t have to explain that she isn’t dead she just couldn’t love me. I wish my family were the type you see in movies. My mum lost custody of me when I was 11, after her partner did unspeakable things to me. She fought so hard to regain custody and she eventually did when I was 13. I don’t understand why she didn’t love me enough to stay but she left again a week before my sixteenth birthday, leaving me homeless and completely alone. I thought she was dead somewhere until I learned she stayed in contact with my sister and brother.
I ended up moving in with my aunty (her sister) whose 35 year old friend would be allowed to have “sleepovers” with me. He got me addicted to cocaine at the age of 16, and groomed me into having a sexual relationship with him.
When I finally came out to her about the abuse she kicked me out leaving me once again homeless. I ended up getting in contact with my dad and showed him proof of everything under the impression he was going to help me – instead, he told me my language was disgusting because I cussed my aunty’s friend out for harassing me, and that I was not welcome in his life.
I know I’m probably not a good person because if I was then I’d have been loved. I know I probably don’t deserve the love I seek because I would have found it by now. How can a mother not love her child? People say it says more about her than it says about me but that surely can’t be true when it’s every single person I’ve ever loved and needed that has turned me away. I just want my mum. I know I don’t want *my* mum. But I just want a mum.
I feel so lost and alone, some days the darkness feels like it will get too much, and I don’t even know why I’m still here. I just want a hug.