For What I will Remember

My baby boy is turning 19 yrs old on the 12th of this month. How is it that I’ve forgotten a lot the last 10 years but I remember the night of his birth like it happened just last night?

 
I’ve heard people say that a woman forgets the pain of childbirth, that the memory fades so that she won’t be afraid of giving birth again. There’s a few reasons that I didn’t have another child. One of those reasons is because I remember that entire night minute-by-minute. It was excruciating. It wasn’t just a hard birth. I had a bad pregnancy & an even worse healing period afterwards.
 
I get asked occasionally why I don’t have more children. In my opinion, that’s an inappropriate question if you’re not in my close circle of friends. I’ve come across lots of nosy biddies in the hospital & you’d be surprised how few people stop & think before they speak. Whenever I get asked about not having more children by someone that I’m not comfortable discussing personal details with, I simply say, "My baby boy is absolutely perfect. Why would I need to have another one?"
 
It’s interesting to see the different reactions that people have to that answer. The facial expressions range from offended sideways eyes from my conceit to a confused smile trying to figure out if that’s a serious answer. The best part is, there’s never any real verbal response & the subject gets closed.
 
Although that answer is meant sort of tongue-in-cheek created to stop nosy Nellies, I do feel a sense of pride when I say it. I adore my boy. He’s turning into a wonderful man. He hasn’t had it easy. We’ve struggled a lot with environmental factors, with a distant relationship, & of course the complications of his parents’ tumultuous marriage.
 
Despite the bad examples that my son has been exposed to, my baby is working hard to meet his life goals. It’s such a great thing to watch. He’s working full-time. He’s been contributing to the household finances. He’s saving money so that he can go back to school & continue his education. I’ve always been proud of my son. I’ve always told him that I will be proud of him no matter what he becomes as long as he works hard & never gives up. I mean that. I don’t care whether he’s a doctor or a Del Taco worker as long as he works hard & does his best.
 
My baby has been very busy. He’s working very hard. Our schedules conflict & I don’t always get to spend quality time with him. We are like ships passing each other in the distance on most days. I was ecstatic when he came to me a couple of weeks ago & asked if we could all get together & go out over the long Thanksgiving weekend. I’ve been looking forward to it since the passing suggestion became a confirmed date. 
 
My son has been dating a girl for about 9 months or so. I’ve met her a few times. She seems sweet, very young but sweet. The man I married met her once on Halloween night. I know my son cares about this one. He never brings anyone home to meet his Dad unless it’s unavoidable. There has only been one other girl that my baby invited into our circle. I didn’t like her but thankfully they didn’t last long. I recognize that bringing her along todayis an important significant step for my son.
 
I was slightly nervous about today’s "date". I was far too excited to spend some time with my baby to consider canceling but I did worry. The man I married & I aren’t doing so well. I was nervous that our poison would affect the kids. I did everything I could think of & delicately balanced on those familiar egg shells, whispering prayers that things would go peaceful.
 
Surprisingly, the day went fairly well. We had a great lunch at my favorite (my son’s fave too) burger place. If you’re ever out in SoCal, look up Slater’s 50/50. It’s not cheap but I think it’s well worth it especially if you’re a bacon lover. They’ve been featured on the travel channel’s bacon paradise episode.
 
There was one awkward, uncomfortable moment during our drive to Slater’s. I was the driver, as usual. Slater’s is not close to me. I took streets instead of freeways because I wanted to spend a long afternoon with the kids. The boy I married was in control of the music during the car ride. A song by Kelly Clarkson came on & I started to sing the lyrics. That’s when he made the most infuriating comments. He said that Kelly Clarkson should stop being such a whiny bitch in her songs. He said that, "She should just be happy any man was still willing to touch her donut eating ass". 
 
Holy shit! What? My mind blew. I couldn’t even think where to start after a comment like that. 
 
I asked, if she was a size 2 would she be allowed to bitch & moan about the bad treatment she’s received in her past relationships then? I also threw in an under my breath dig that I completely understood why my complaints are completely ignored. He laughed, said that I always had to make everything about me. 
 
"What are you suddenly the president of her fan club?"
 
I let it go because I noticed that the kids’ conversation had stopped. I think they were too involved in their own pleasantries to hear the entire exchange. Thank goodness for small favors.
 
How can I feel anything for this man? I know that I’m holding onto the memory of the boy that I fell in love with when I was just young girl. I just don’t get how he became this …how WE became this.
 
Did I change? Did he change? I know damn well that I didn’t fall in love with the man that he is now. Thisis not who he used to be. I thought that people didn’t change. I thought that you were wasting your time if you were always trying to change your partner because they CAN’T change. So, what is this then?
 
I just don’t understand. *sigh* Whatever. 
 
Aside from that unpleasant exchange, I really did have a wonderful time with my son. It felt good to talk with him & get to know his girl. I have new pictures of all of us & they make me smile.
 
That’s what’s important. That’s what I’ll remember.