November 9, 2013

For Warmth

Love has always meant pain for me.

Even the very first people I loved caused me a lot of pain. My father left & gave his love to a new family. I didn’t understand why. I can remember visiting his new home after not seeing him for 4 years. I resented all the happy photos that decorated their house. I collapsed all the frames in the room I slept in that night so that I didn’t have to look at them. I got in trouble for that. I also never spent another night in that house.

My mother made a choice to love a demon of a man more than me. That man did a lot of damage to me. I struggle with that pain everyday.

There were the loves of my adolescence. The one who decided he loved my best friend more & robbed me of that friendship. The one that would only see me in secret because I wasn’t good enough to be seen publicly. The one that wanted my cousin more. The one that I put my life on hold for more than 2 years & yet he decided that he’d rather get laid. The one that taught me how to dish out as much pain as I was given with endless games of who can hurt who more? And of course, the one who hit me.

Let’s not forget my husband. The one that I still love more than I love myself which is why I continue to live this. . .non-life.

The only time that love has felt good & pain-free is with my dear friends. The ones that were smart enough not to say the cursed words to me, sometimes even when I nearly begged them to. I got only kindness & support from them instead. A few of those cherished friends are no longer in my life but I can look back at those dear ones & feel only warmth. I want that warmth in my life. I think I need that in my life right now to survive.

I don’t want to be cursed. I refuse to accept that pain anymore. Am I just condemning myself to a different kind of torment? Probably, but that’s okay because it’s safe, comfortable, and warm.

~Sterling~

November 10, 2013

I understand. Perhaps more than I should. I believe when true, genuine love exists between two people.. it they know, without even saying the words.

I understand. Perhaps even more than I should. I believe that when true, genuine love exists between two people.. they know without having to even hear the words.

Hmm.. maybe I should say it one more time. Lol My first note vanished, so I wrote another. Thank you FOD.. for making look dumber than I actually am! Haha

JadedAngel68

November 11, 2013

I understand, also. You’re right you need the warmth and love of unconditional friends.

mesohippus

I think your friendships are real love. The other experiences of love aren’t actual love, in my view. Maybe it’s my own distorted, mistrusting take on love due to my past. But it’s love when you care about someone and treat them well. When you claim to love and treat someone poorly, I don’t call it love. Many other names for it. Or maybe people only love in a way that they can, some people aren’t

-capable of loving in a decent way. Some people are so damaged that they don’t know what it means to really love and to express it properly. My dad was abusive, controlling and an alcoholic. I’m sure he believed he loved his children and wife. But I would never claim to believe that he loved us. His behavior was not love. Your mom’s behavior was not love. Clearly she didn’t love herself either.

-sorry, this is all so vague and probably gibberish. I’m sorry your parents didn’t give you the love you deserved. I understand what that’s like. I was so emotionally neglected and rejected as a child that I pushed away from intimacy for the longest time. I refused to kiss (although I sexed) until I fell in love with Dan at age 26. I have tons of pathetic examples but I worked hard to evolve.

Markiss

November 17, 2013

Sterling really sound like he knows what he’s talking about.. if I were a hot chick, I’d totally be trying to get with him. Truth be told, I would make hot chick, coz one time my GF talked me into going drag for Halloween.. I was Fn bangin HOT yo! Even I was checking me out. Dudes all be like, sup fun buns? Can I buy you a drink.. or a car or some damn thing baby? So, yeah! Sterling.. Hook him up