For the Pill Peddler

I met with Dr. Lu today. It was uncomfortable. Maybe I was just defensive from the very beginning because I was aware that this was gonna be the medications discussion. Whatever the reasons, I was uncomfortable & extremely anxious. I didn’t feel relaxed talking to him for the entire meeting. I mostly just answered questions & didn’t elaborate too much. I was very open with Josh & Alise so Dr. Lu was able to refer to their notes anyway. The guy seemed nice & understanding but the very minute I sat in his office, I just wanted the appointment to be over. When it finally was over, I walked out to the pharmacy to pick up my shiny new "cures". Dr. Lu suggested I start taking Lexapro (escitalopram) & Xanax (alprazolam). I was honest & told him that I won’t be starting the medication right away. I want to do some research about Lexapro first. I already know about Xanax, that’s just an as needed short-acting benzodiazepine to help when the panic attacks hit full force. I also really am holding out on starting medication as my last ditch effort. I want to see how I do when I take some time off of work & start the intensive therapy sessions with Josh. I want to give therapy a dedicated try before I jump on the pharmaceutical bandwagon.

I had to sit in that cursed waiting room again. If I had my hands on the Xanax at that time I may have taken more than one. I don’t do well waiting on my name to be called. I’m thinking about asking the receptionist if I can wait outside next time. I’ve considered asking all three times that I’ve been to the office but I don’t want to be a bother. It would mean that the person calling my name would have to walk through the waiting room to call me back inside for my appointment. I doubt I’ll even bring it up but I really don’t like sitting in that damn waiting room. It was extra crowded today. I’m okay with crowds. Well, I’m okay as long as I don’t have to interact much. There’s just something about sitting in that waiting room that makes me overly anxious.

My mind was also derailed immediately when Dr. Lu called me into his office because at the same exact time Josh was calling together one of the group sessions for the IOP. Fuck me, that was huge group. That just threw me into the dilemma of uncertainty over participating in the IOP again. I spent the first 5-10 minutes with Dr. Lu thinking about that huge group. I’ve had time to think it over now. I’ve calmed down & am still willing to try it out. That’s all I keep telling myself, one foot in front of the other in a forward motion.

I put in my request for the time off of work. I requested to use my vacation hours. I never take extended vacations because I never travel. I have something like 45 days of vacation sitting there waiting to be used. I haven’t gotten the approval yet but the approval is usually just a formality. I’ve talked to my team & my manager about the extended time off. This will be my last week, if it all works out like it’s supposed to I’ll be off for the next FOUR weeks. I could’ve had Dr. Lu put me out on medical leave but I don’t want that. If I’m still having a really rough time of things after this time off then I’ll consider getting those wheels in motion but for now I’m perfectly fine using my vacation time. I’ve never taken this much time off. It’s too bad it isn’t for something far more pleasant.

Oh well, one thing at a time. On the list tonight is fighting with my husband about picking up these prescriptions. Oh, joy. *sigh*