April 3, 2013

For Silence

Hello.

Did anyone else hear that echo? Everything feels empty, still, and silent. I’m not complaining, mind you. I am merely stating a feeling. I will take this numbness over the chaos and pain, any day of the week. I have been very quiet lately. It isn’t a new thing for me to not write. Writing has always come and gone in my life. Sometimes the words just don’t come. I try not to force them forward. On the rare occasion that I have, the writing is disconnected. Am I forcing these words now? Maybe I am, because everything is still very quiet.
When I open the door to see what’s inside my head, there’s absolutely nothing there. No sadness, anxiety, doubt, or worry. I don’t feel anything and my footsteps echo against the empty walls. My head was a wicked, twisted mess that seemed to always be screaming hundreds of things at once. The emptiness is disturbing. Is this peace? I’ve always thought that peace was something enjoyable. Whenever I used to fight for that little bit of “peace and quiet”, it was so I could have the alone time necessary to organize the chaos and readjust my sanity. I’m not used to silence. What is this? Who am I becoming now?
Usually, I am able to naturally babble endlessly about every little thing that comes to mind. Anyone who has taken the time to really get to know me will attest to that quirk in my personality. It has been an annoyance to many people in the past. I can go on and on about nothing. I would be filthy rich, if I had a dime for every time I’ve told people to feel free to tell me to stfu because sometimes that’s what it takes. In the last few months, writing a simple e-mail to a friend or having a conversation with anyone longer than a few words has seemed akin to sticking needles underneath my fingernails. Being chatty has become difficult and I find it hard to talk to anyone. My head is empty and I just don’t have anything further to say. This should worry me, it’s certainly worrying those around me whom have noticed the change. I don’t want anyone to worry because there really isn’t anything wrong. Maybe, I’ve just finally run out of things to say.
Somewhere deep beneath the emptiness is fear but it’s too distant to understand. For now, the quiet rules over everything so I don’t have to face what’s underneath. I fill the silence with the voices of others. On occasion, I find myself laughing or moved to tears by the emotions of someone else. When these moments come, they are savored and cherished. Tomorrow will come and I will wait in this silence for another small moment when I can believe that I am still alive.

Try a Little Tenderness -Otis Redding

Oh, she may be weary
Them young girls they do get wearied.
Wearing that same old shaggy dress, yeah, yeah
But when she gets weary
Try a little tenderness, yeah, yeah

[oh my now, mmm]

You know she’s waiting,
just anticipating
for things that she’ll never, never, never, never possess
But while she’s there waiting
without them
Try a little tenderness
That’s all you got to do

It’s not just sentimental, no, no, no
She has her grief and care, yeah, yeah, yeah
But the soft words they are spoke so gentle, yeah
It makes it easier
Easier to bear, yeah

You won’t regret it, no, no
Young girls they don’t forget it
Love is their whole happiness, yeah

But, it’s all so easy
All you got to do is try
Try a little tenderness, yeah
All you got to do is
Man, hold her where you wanna
Squeeze her, don’t tease her, never leave her
Get to her

Got, Got to try a little tenderness, yeah, yeah, yeah
You got to know how to love her, man
Take this advice
Man, you got to squeeze her, don’t tease her, never leave
<span style="font-size: 13.5pt”>You got to hold her
Brother, softly man
Try a little tenderness, yeah, yeah, yeah
You got to rub her gently, man

[nah, got to, uh no]

Don’t bruise her, no no
You got to love her
Ease her, only please her

[got to, try nah, nah, nah try]

Try a little tenderness, yeah what to do
You got to know what to do
Man, take this advice
You got to love, squeeze, don’t tease my baby
Love her more

as someone who usually has too much in my head, i understand the weirdness of not having anything. it’s not natural for us. though i find that doing good things is a huge help in filling my mind up again. helping someone, volunteering somewhere, just doing random acts of kindness–it fills your head up with good stuff.

Petalwing

April 4, 2013

JadedAngel68

ryn: i’m all about equal treatment, but deep down, secretly, come on…you have a favorite!

ryn: i’m a little worried about your lovelies having ears. 😉

It’s true, I did write that Ode To Boobies and I meant it–I have the list of ex-girlfriends to prove it, but I’ve never come across a pair with ears before. I’d have to see them and give them a go before I could honestly say they’re included in that poem.

ryn: she and i are still in touch. she’s still in ireland. she’s doing well, but no–not married. i’ve ruined other men for her. 😉 am i still in love with her? a part of me is still in love with every woman i’ve ever loved and i loved her more than any woman i’ve ever loved before. She’s always going to have a place in my heart. And she’s set the bar pretty high for whomever is next, butshe’s also made me look for things that are entirely different from her as well. I’m not sure if all of that answers your questions, but I hope it does.

April 9, 2013

Thank you for your notes and for reading. I’m glad you liked the song. Maybe you’re going thru something. And it’s ok..to write if you feel like it and dont if not. I will always read what you write. I have always been a quiet person but moreso lately I find myself withdrawing also. Just wanted you to know..I care and I’m here..reading. love and hugs,

ryn: I’m going to answer your question here, but not publicly because she technically still has a diary here and access to my entries. I don’t THINK she still reads, but because she can I don’t want to write about her…i just feel it’s wrong. Now, as to your question, yes. I did seriously consider moving to Ireland. It wouldn’t have been easy for me, but I got myself mentally preparedto make that happen.

ryn: being able to move to another country and work there isn’t that easy. my moving there would have meant I could have spent 6 months there (not working) and then would have to get engaged, which would have given me another couple months and then we’d have had to get married–which I was prepared to do, but she’s a complicated woman and while marriage, to me, was something she wanted someday, Idon’t think she was comfortable having the time table moved up and put on a schedule. Obviously, that’s just the tip of the iceberg–everything was a lot more complicated than that–it just didn’t work out is what it comes down to I guess.

ryn: he won’t. we momma’s boys never leave without turning back.

Buttercup

April 12, 2013

That’s all to be expected, really. I’m kind of there with you some days. Most days (with him) I am numb. I bounce between numb and anger. Right now you are busy trying to find your new normal. It was so weird when I realized that “normal” changes so much. Some days that kind of scared me, other days it was sort of reassuring. I’m always here if you feel you need to talk.

ryn2: I do understand that “fix your shit or walk away” is dramatically oversimplifying the situation–any situation–but that’s how I roll. I try to break things down to their most basic elements because that’s how I make them most easy to deal with. It might not be “romantic” but when I’m making decisions, it’s practical–I’ve got so much shit going on in my head, if I don’t reduce things totheir most basic terms I’d never be able to make a decision.

Finally: you can’t kill me, I’m a ninja. you can’t even see me. you can never catch me. look over your shoulder. no, the other one. no, the other one again. See. I was just there, I told you where to look and STILL you couldn’t find me! By the way, your hair smells really nice. 😉

ryn: i think it’s really cute that you think i didn’t already know about your new shampoo! why do you think i mentioned that in particular? I. AM. A. NINJA! Now quit reading my replies and get some work done! I’ll be right here over your shoulder–WATCHING.

ryn: why, did you laugh too hard? 😉