For My Smile
I drank a lot last night. There were moments through the night as I poured shot after shot that I told myself that I should stop but I kept pouring nonetheless. When the room wouldn’t stop swaying I knew I was in trouble. I know I’m drinking for emotional reasons & I know that’s a dangerous habit to nurture. All I can say is I have quite a bit more of my favorite poison but I’m sober today so fuck anyone out there who thinks I have a problem. I know I have problems but drinking isn’t one of them. I don’t get lost in irresponsible behavior, I’m not that girl anymore.
I posted a poem-ish type of thing when I first started writing here. It was about how deceiving smiling can be. It’s better than any make-up that a person can wear. When a person smiles their whole persona changes, it fools even the people closest to them. I know this because of who I used to be.
I used to be the upbeat, giggly, crazy bitch that would always make the drunk crybabies laugh & smile. People around me always thought I was the strongest chick they knew. There were very few people in my younger years who knew how much pain I endured.
Nobody really knew how often I cried, how often I cut, or how often I purged. As I grew up, or more importantly when my son was born most of those destructive behaviors faded out of my repertoire. I was no longer destructive but the giggly, bubbly, strong girl also seemed to disappear. Oddly enough, I think it was a defense gone wrong.
I was away from my baby boy so often. I spent so much time a part from my child in his early years. I started my schooling when he was 6 months old. I had to take busses because I had no car. There were somedays that I left before he woke up & came home after he’d already gone to bed. I went to school & did my extern hours at a hospital that required more busses to get to. Not too much longer after graduating the trade school, I started work at the hospital.
The hospital paid really good money but they make you earn every single cent. I literally earned my paycheck with blood, sweat, & tears. The hours were long. I worked far too many hours & when I was low man on the seniority totem pole I worked every single holiday. Again, I was without the tiny ray of sunshine that I had in my life. I missed so many milestones in my son’s life & it still breaks my heart that I can’t get that time back.
My smile faded, I couldn’t even fake it anymore. The only thing that I had the strength to do was strap on my determined face & fully fasten the numbness mask. A lot of the newbies that I had to train (after getting to know me better) at the hospital said that I terrified them when they first started because I was cold, intimidating, & scary. I remember that I was shocked to hear that. Who had I become? When did that happen?
Numbness became my portrayed persona. It was the easiest to pull off. The thing is, I never healed from the initial pain of my childhood so I the last few years huge inner sadness has taken over the numbness. I’d forgotten how to smile. I’d forgotten how to feel anything other than pain. It’s really no surprise that I started to fall apart.
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In the years after my time no longer became owned by my job, I worked hard to become a strong presence for my son. I know I over compensated & I know that I let his happiness become my own. So, as his life drifts away from me & deeper into the man that he’s gonna become I got lost even further in pain & sadness. I could no longer depend on my last source of happiness. Life moved as it should between a child & their parent but it was more pain than I could bear because of the dependency that I had wrongly built.
With my recent suicidal episode & with therapy I’m slowly learning how to find my own emotions again. I’m learning what makes me happy. The hardest part of letting go of the numbness is having to recognize how much of my life is painful & how often the misery I’m in is because of choices that I make.
Cue the life altering music.
I suddenly stumbled across my own source of happiness. It wasn’t about someone else’s needs or satisfaction. It was something that I felt genuinely belonged to my own comfort & my own desires. I smiled more than I smiled in years. I opened up & shared the real me. I reached down deep & found the me that I thought was lost. My heart started beating again.
As good as it feels to drown in my selfishness, I have a stronger sense of responsibility. I can’t get lost in beautiful dreams no matter how good they feel. There’s a piece of me that will always belong to that dream & I will never lose hope that someday I’ll be able to pursue that dream as a reality. For now, my life belongs to this union, this family, this stage. I’m not happy about it, it hurts to be honest but it is what it is.
The truly surprising part of this beautiful mess is that I’ve been shown that I’m still alive. I’ve been shown that there’s still a heart beating in my chest. I’ve been shown how strong & beautiful I really am. I’ve even been shown how wonderful the little things in my life are, family, laughter, & the simplicity of a gorgeous moon.
As sad as the reality of my situation is, those simple moments can’t be taken away from me now. I’ve learned how to smile again & it’s not a mask. My emotions are real & they belong to me. The tears are inevitable but they will dry & my smile will return.
I will giggle with my nephew. I will ooh & ahhh like a child when I see fireworks. I will dance when the music inspires me to do so & I will always sing shamelessly.
<div style="font-family: Noteworthy; font-size: 18px; font-weight: bold; line-height: 24px; -webkit-tap-highlight-color: rgba(26, 26, 26, 0.296875); -webkit-composition-fill-color: rgba(130, 98, 83, 0.0976563); -webkit-composition-frame-color: rgba(191, 107, 82, 0.496094); “>This is crazy but it feels real & that’s all that matters to me.