For my First Visit

I wanted to bolt. I started crying just filling out the paperwork. For some reason the one the question that hurt the most was, what do you think we can do to help you today? I just answered, I don’t know. It felt so hopeless. After turning in the paperwork, I still had to sit in that waiting room for another 15 minutes or so. It took everything in me, to not run out of there.

I paced. I got up & stood staring out a window. I wondered if the receptionists were thinking, uh oh, we got a bolter. I mean, they have to have seen EVERYTHING by now. Right? As I was staring out that second story window, across the corridor on the other side was a cleaning woman. She smiled at me. I couldn’t help but think that she was comforting the crazy lady looking out the crazy people department. I fought with the doubts, the fear, my husband’s incessant badgering from the previous night. I started getting the beginning signs of the dreaded panic attack. Then, they called my name.

I followed Alise into an office. She asked me a few easy questions. What’s my name? Medical record number? Nothing I couldn’t handle, I got all my answers out easily. Then, she asked "What brings you in today?" The panic hit me, hard. I crumbled. I just cried & apologized repeatedly because I could barely speak. She gave me tissues. I choked out, "This. This is the problem. I can’t seem to stop this from happening." She stepped out of the office & got me the water that I had declined when she offered. I’ve never had a problem talking about EVERYTHING. Normally, when I talk about the painful stuff in my past or in my present it’s always just been matter-of-fact conversation. I’ve never really been crushed by it all in this way. So, I talked & talked. I cried, sobbed, & talked some more.

I was there for an hour & a half. She told me how unusual it was for us to have that much time during a first appointment. Her schedule had just worked out that way. When it was finally her turn to talk about . . . treatment. She asked if it was possible for me take off work. She said that I was in a state that required intensive treatment. I kinda lost it again. I don’t want to take off work. Work is one of the few things that I know how to do right. It’s a positive in my life. I’m organized, efficient, and capable. I also thought that she was suggesting that I go to an in-patient facility. That would leave my son alone with a very pissed off father. I just can’t do that. I just can’t.

She does want me to enroll in a program. It’s an "Intensive Out-patient Program". I’m seeing the therapist who runs that program tomorrow. She also made me an appointment with a psychiatrist next Tuesday, from what I understand he will be the medication man. I am afraid of medication. I don’t really let too much of what my husband says all the way in but I work in pharmacy. I know that side effects are a real problem. My plan is to go to any appointments that she thinks are necessary but I will decide my actual course of treatment. I’m not even real sure that I will take on the program that she suggested. I will go to the appointment tomorrow & hear him out. I will try whatever is necessary because I want to be better.

I don’t want to hurt this bad anymore.

That’s all I have time for today. Thank you, THANK YOU so much EVERYONE who left me notes. I don’t have much support in what I’m trying to do. In fact, aside from this new therapist I have absolutely no support in my real life. So you guys, really, really make me more determined to run this thing all the way through.