For Letting Go

Wow …it’s official. This place is dying. When? Very soon but still unknown.

It hurts. I won’t lie. I love this place even though I have been writing on Prosebox when the words needed release & this place was busy with it’s many outages. This place holds so many memories, not only of my journey but of dear acquaintances that I’ve grown to care for deeply. There are many writers that have disappeared so I’m not new to losing some but to lose it all along with the notes & interactions of more than 13 years. That is truly heartbreaking.

I’m just glad that Prosebox is there. This would’ve caused a severe sense of panic & loss if I didn’t have any place to go. Prosebox doesn’t feel as warm. It’s my fault because I have a lot of barriers that prevent me from writing as often as I’d like. I also don’t note very often. The social aspect of these sights takes more time & effort then I can give. I will continue to read & post my rare entries on Prosebox. If anyone jumps over there, please look me up. My name is the same over there.

A. Nony Mouse

I read on this sight a lot. I’ve discovered people with such vibrant lives. I’ve shared in other people’s pain & joy. I’ve read people that have such a peaceful sense about them that their writing soothes & calms me. One of my very favorite writers has over 3300 entries & I started from the beginning of her diary until I got to her current stuff. She is one very interesting fairy though! She’s got every emotion all in one diary plus some really kick ass fiction.

I really will miss this place. It means a lot to me. I’ve poured a lot of my heartbreak into my entries. I only have 153 entries but they are spread across 13 years of my life. I won’t be downloading my writing. I don’t have a safe place to put it. That’s both heartbreaking & freeing. I just had a very surreal experience with someone that I love dearly reading through my old entries. They were so painful that he couldn’t continue reading. It made me realize how much of this diary isn’t even me anymore.

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve got some beautiful memories here. The time my son had his first visit from the tooth fairy. My baby was 5 years old & just starting kindergarten when I started writing here. He is a wonderful 19 year old responsible, young man now. It’s wonderful to have the written memories of him. I wrote through a trip down memory lane in my For My Journey entries & those are all very therapeutic. You can read about my very first Linkin Park concert EVER in March, 2002. As well, as my life changing experience at the Meet & Greet with Linkin Park in September, 2011. Those memories will be with me forever, etched in my soul. It’s still awful to lose the writing but those are things I won’t ever forget.

The thing is amongst all those great things there’s a huge amount more of the hard life lessons that have kicked my ass. I have used this place on so many occasions when I thought the pain I was enduring would kill me. I have a lot of weak moments memorialized here. I am 100% ready to let those go. I can read those entries with tearless eyes now because I don’t have the shame of feeling like I’m still that person, like I’m still in that place. I’m changing & growing & becoming so much stronger every single day. I’m learning that I need to be me. I will do the things that make me happy. I will claw at life until I’ve gotten everything that I know I deserve. It’s not an easy road. I slip & fall on occasion but instead of admitting defeat & letting myself get pulled right back into the same nonsense. I step back, I regroup, & I attack with a whole new tactic.

I will win. I will succeed. I will be loved the way I deserve to be.

I believe in happy endings regardless of what life has shown me so far because I’ve finally found magic in my life.

Be well, everyone.

I will always think of this place with fondness. If you would like to keep in touch through email, don’t hesitate to send me a message.

AMouseonOD@gmail.com