For IOP Day 1 **edit**

I turned off my phone before I fell asleep in the wee hours of Wednesday morning. I didn’t want my husband to pick up the call if Josh returned my call. Sure enough, there was a voicemail from Josh waiting on my phone when I turned it on a few hours later. I had just missed Josh’s call by less than a half an hour.
 
I called him back but was only able to leave a message again. I asked if there was a direct line that I could try but was told that wasn’t possible. I nervously waited for Josh to call again. I had hoped that Josh would call while my husband was out doing yard work, napping, or taking a shower. Of course, life just doesn’t work that easy for me.
 
Josh called back while my husband & I were sitting in the den together. For a few seconds as my phone rang, I considered not answering but I put my determined face on & picked up the phone. I walked out of the room to the living room a few feet away. I made sure to talk loudly enough that my husband wouldn’t suspect that it was anyone other than an MD on the other end. I stuttered nervously waiting for my husband to follow me. 
 
Josh asked a few questions & we decided that my IOP start date could be moved from next Monday to the following day which was Thursday. I promptly got off the phone & braced myself for the oncoming lecture. I was so relieved to see that my FIL had woken up. My FIL works nights & he was just getting up for the day. That was enough of a distraction for my husband to just move on with our day without the lecture. My FIL often saves the day without knowing it. If I were as Christian as he was I’d say that it’s the power of strong faith & prayer but I’m not so I’ll just say that I’m very glad that he asked us to come live with him.
 
I went to my first session the next day. I don’t know what I expected but I’m not satisfied with the way things went. I was very open with Josh during the consultation but during our first session I wasn’t comfortable at all. It was very disappointing. I wish I could explain what happened but I don’t really know what changed. It just felt very cold & sterile. I spent a good deal of the session being confused on how to proceed & saying "I don’t know" an awful lot.
 
I’m willing to chalk the awkwardness up to an unexpected early start date as well as starting the session at the tail end of a short week because of the holiday. I just hope that these sessions will feel a bit more useful over the next few weeks. I walked out of last Thursdays session feeling very defeated, lost, & quite confused about the program again. I won’t give up so easily but if this is the feeling that I walk away with every time, I’ll be forced to look for other options. I have another session tomorrow. I’m looking forward to trying to make this thing work.
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I wish I could say that I’m feeling better but I’m not. I really was hoping that taking some time off of work would help alleviate some stress but since my work is really the least bit of my stress I haven’t seen a decrease in my anxiety. I had a panic attack that sent me scurrying to the ladies room at the supermarket Friday night. I also had a pretty bad emotional overload after dinner the same night. If you couple those episodes with the crying fits I’ve been having for years in the shower it becomes quite clear that giving up on the IOP really isn’t an option.
 
It’s also not an ideal situation to have to spend so much time at home with my husband. Him & I can so easily fall into our ridiculous, tedious arguments when we’re forced together for large amounts of time. Just today, we cussed each other out over bath towels & dinner. He’s gone to bed quite angry with me but I actually relish the time alone. The silent treatment from him has become something that I prefer rather than dread. It’s really quite sad to have become so volatile with someone I love so much.
 
During our shouting match that started because I used "his" bath towel, I found out that he used an app on our phones to track me while I was at my therapy session. He accused me of turning the function off because I was off-line. I didn’t even know what to say to that one. My silent, shocked reaction is to him an admittance of guilt. I really don’t have the fight in me to even begin to counter his insecurities. He’s gonna have to wrestle with that one for himself. I’ve assured him a lot over the last few days that there’s been no other penis inside me since before him & I met. Beyond that, he’ll just have to work things out for himself.
 
Now that I’ve had some time to think about it I’m sure that my phone went off-line because there’s certain spots at the clinic that interfere with my phone signal. I only know this because I can’t play my games when I sit in that horrid waiting room. I won’t be able to tell my husband that until he calms down a notch or two & he probably still won’t swallow the truth anyway. I’ll probably just leave my phone in the car tomorrow. 
 
Of course, my husband will try to call & get pissed & suspicious when I don’t answer so there’s really nothing that can be done. He’s just trying to defeat this whole process in anyway that he can. My next step is to tell him that he’s welcome to come sit in the waiting room for the 3.5 hours that I’m in session. That’ll shut him up for awhile. There’s no way he’ll put himself out like that. I win. *wicked giggles*
 
So that’s where I’m at right now. I’m still falling apart, still living in chaos, but I’m still fighting the hard fight. Be well.
 
**EDIT** The links in this entry are errors but I can’t get them to go away because editing an entry from my phone is too frustrating. So, ignore the links. I apologize if they actually work & you end up in the twilight zone of the Internet. It certainly wasn’t my intention. =)