For Choosing Faith

I went to the supermarket last Friday. As I was walking in, there was a young couple and their three children standing just outside the doors. The oldest male (who I assume was the father) was holding a cardboard sign with black writing on it. I immediately looked away from the sign. Do I really need to know the story? It’s happening all over this great nation. I don’t need to read the sign. I already know. My eyes reflexively caught the eyes of the children and my heart broke. I rushed past this little family and tried to carry on with my business. I can be over emotional sometimes. I feel things too much. I don’t claim to be a bleeding heart but I tend to let any emotion take over, sadness, anxiety, love, or hate. I can be crippled by any of these emotions if I let it all come to the surface. My armor is going numb. I don’t let myself feel most of the time. That’s what I did when I walked through the supermarket doors. As I passed that family, I went numb.

Walking just behind me, were two young guys. We walked down the same aisle for a few moments, I overheard a bit of their very loud banter. "What the fuck do they think this is the make a wish foundation?" The other one just heehawed in reply. I know boys will be boys and drunken boys are even worse but I was disgusted. I was furious that they could be so insensitive to an entire family in need. That fury leaped forward, I can’t help it sometimes. I came to an abrupt stop, with the big clunky grocery cart in front of me. The closest one to me had to lift his arm up over my head and make a quick right to avoid running into me. He did have the decency to mumble, "Sorry" under his breath. I clearly replied, "You should be" as I tried to give him the fiercest stare that a Mouse can conjure up. His friend was far enough behind to avoid me completely. They both quickly erupted into obnoxious laughter and made their way towards the liquor aisle. Psh, no surprise there.

With no real relief of the steam that had built up inside me, I began to attack myself. Was my reaction any different? I chose to walk by without even taking time to read their story. I had intended to try and push the young couple and their three kids completely out of my mind. I felt pissed off at myself, almost as pissed off as I was at those two donkeys. My son had noticed the whole exchange and my immediate silence afterwards. When I suddenly asked him to go back outside and read the sign that the father was carrying, my son didn’t even hesitate for a second. He returned to tell me that the sign read, "Please help our family. We need money for rent, food, and we have no more diapers."

Now, my Dad taught me when I was very young that you never give panhandler’s cash. If the person has a problem with alcohol or drugs, those things will always come first. Cash will always be spent on the habit that has hurt them the most. When you happen to feel like someone who asks for a hand-out genuinely needs help, buy a loaf of bread and cheese because then you know where your money really went. You will at least be assured that they weren’t hungry for a short while. 

I continued to struggle with my initial reaction to do nothing but my mind kept returning to the uncaring reaction of those boys. It really bothered me. I worried that everyone who passed that down trodden couple and their children would be as unsympathetic as those two assholes. Or hell, maybe they’d just go numb like I had almost done. I was strangled with the anxiety that no one would help. I hated the whole world for being so cold. I felt pressured that I was the only one in the entire market that was struggling with this. The stress of those thoughts finally pushed me over the edge. My mind swam with uncertainty but it was because I couldn’t decide what to buy for them. I even sent my son back outside to ask what size diapers they needed.

I got the items I needed for my household. Then, I angrily added a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, a half gallon of milk, and a small pack of diapers to my cart. I looked around at the other shoppers with contempt and hate for being so selfish. I was so pissed off at our society for making me the only person that cared.

I paid for everything, and only spent about $20 more than I intended. I was satisfied with the purchases. I rummaged through the bags, separating the items that weren’t my own. I don’t do well with strangers these days. My anxiety tends to make me shaky, so I handed the bags to my son. I told him that I was gonna continue on my way to the car but I wanted him to make sure that one of the parents took hold of the bags. 

We walked out the doors. I swiftly veered right towards the car and my son handed the bags to the young couple. I looked back as I crossed the parking lot to make sure that my son was on his way back towards me. That’s when I seen them. There was a whole line of grocery bags along the wall next to the young couple. The youngest boy was already sitting on his rump with a hand and face full of cookie crumbs while his sister danced around with her own cookie in hand. I nearly cried. There was so much relief in knowing that I hadn’t been the only one. There were apparently lots of other people in that market that had cared.

My dear friends, the lesson I learned from this is that the whole of society isn’t doomed. Sure, there are a whole lot of "fucktards" out there. People like those boys, who are just cruel, vicious, and stupid. There are also people out there who react badly because they are too busy trying to distance themselves from the ugliness that confronts them. Others may also get lost in their own cause because they don’t see the gravity of what is really happening around them. I choose to believe that when help is really needed, people can choose to do the kind thing, the right thing. If we all just stop and really figure out, what is the right thing? It really could be as simple as $20 worth of groceries.