For Anger
I’m pissed off. Huh, how about that? Wow, what a familiar feeling.
I can’t tell you how much time I spend burying anger. I really thought that I had mastered the art of keeping this heat controlled. I guess, I was wrong. I watch my actions. I know that I’m spewing viciousness at people. I’m so irate I don’t care.
I’m so used to pain, sadness, despair, anxiety, you know the normal emotions that plague me. You can read it often if you take the time to flip back a few entries. I’m also comfortable with the highs, you know the giddiness, the inner glow, the feeling of euphoria when life seems to run well. I suck at describing that feeling right now because it is too far from where I currently stand. Animosity & anger aren’t comfortable emotions for me anymore.
So often, I tiptoe around every single person in my life. I hold back so much of what I really want to say & do. I rationalize myself into bottling my differing opinion to keep the person placated & happy. I don’t want to be "difficult". I don’t want to start a fight. I don’t want to make the person unhappy. I compromise everything that I want & need for the sake of peace. My husband, my son, my mother & father, no one really knows how pissed off I am because I smile & converse or sit quietly & absorb.
Why is everyone else allowed to pitch a fit? I’m confronted with nastiness on a continual basis. I get the storms of anger that come from a stressed out teenager. I get the bullshit complaints of an unhappy husband. I get the drama imposed on me from parents that still act like children. No one else seems to curb their temper tantrums. With inconsiderate actions & whiny pleas I get more & more demands of what I have to do for everyone else. When you’re pissed off at the instructor, yell at Mommas for picking you up late. When you’re pissed off at the traffic that you brought us out in, yell at your wife for listening to the GPS & not having a magic carpet. When you’re childish romance fizzles again & again blame your daughter for keeping you connected. Don’t you dare think that the reality is that your marriage ended during the first separation in 1983!
It’s all finally seeped in. I am the one that is mother fuckin’ pissed off now! I seriously feel like I’ve been running around with a noose around my neck. This cursed noose keeps tightening as I gasp & readjust to keep breathing. Smile & keep running that wheel, Mouse. Keep letting that rope tear at your flesh without so much as a squeak. Fuck all that shit! I’ll run that wheel, I will because it’s what I do but I will not. . .cannot keep bottling. There’s a storm blowing inside me, it’s a whopper. I can feel the electricity. It’s wicked but I have to admit it’s a powerful feeling.
Why shouldn’t I make my feelings known? Why can’t I throw back what is thrown at me? What? It’s not polite. Pfft, no shit. Then, don’t dish it asshole. I’m finally too tired, too stressed, & too drained to act appropriately. Surprised? I bet you are. You know why? It’s because I don’t usually get down in that pit with you & start throwing the shit back. For years, I’ve silently wiped it off & pretended that I wasn’t bothered. Well, you just threw shit at me fucker! I am sooo far past bothered now that I’m willing to put my hands in the shit & throw it back.
I used to feel like this when I fought household wars with my Sister’s father. My shield against his insanity was to get mad. When I got mad, I attacked & got even. It was a hard adolescence to constantly be on guard, to constantly be scheming & plotting. I never had peace. I wanted it to be different when I built my family but I refuse to be the only one working towards tranquility. I don’t want a war. My years of conformity should have made that evident.
I will be heard as strongly as I have listened. I’m miserable & hurt when I allow myself to be stepped on. How is that so surprising when I never open my mouth? My wants & needs may differ than the expected plan but I demand to be heard & considered. Probably most of all, I demand to be respected. No one really knows how cruel I can be. I put that heartless, bitter, angry girl aside for a long time but she’s always waiting & prepared with limitless venom. Remember, I was pushed here. This battle will be ugly, if that’s the way it needs to be. I just won’t sit quietly anymore only to be overlooked & even abused.
Bleed It Out -Linkin Park
Yeah, here we for the hundredth time
Hand grenade pins in every line
Throw em up & let something shine
Going out of my fucking mind
Filthy mouth, no excuse
Find a new place to hang this noose
String me up from atop these roofs
Knot it tight so I won’t get loose
Truth is you can stop & stare
Run myself out & no one cares
Dug a trench out, laid down there
with a shovel up out of reach somewhere
Yeah, someone pour it in
make it a dirt dance floor again
Say your prayers & stomp it out
when they bring that chorus in
I bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away
I bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away
I bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away
just to throw it away, just to throw it away
I bleed it out
Go, stop the show
Choppy words in that sloppy flow
Shotgun, I pull, lock & load
cock it back & then watch it go
Mama, help me I’ve been cursed
Death is rolling in every verse
Candy paint on his brand new hearse
can’t contain him he knows he works
Fuck this hurts, I won’t lie
Doesn’t matter how hard I try
Half the words don’t mean a thing
And I know that I won’t be satisfied
So why try ignoring him?
Make it a dirt dance floor again
Say your prayers & stomp it out
when they bring that chorus in
I bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away
I bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away
I bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away
just to throw it away, just to throw it away
I bleed it out
I’ve opened up
these scars
I’ll make you face this
I pulled myself so far
I’ll make you face this now
I bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away
I bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away
I bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away
just to throw it away, just to throw it away
I bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away
I bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away
I bleed it out, digging deeper just to throw it away
just to throw it away, just to throw it away
I bleed it out
I bleed it out
I bleed it out
Love that song. Don’t bottle it. It damages YOU more than anything. If you can’t just let it roll off you, then you need to push back. If nothing else, to just flatly say “Now we both know that’s bullsh*t.” They only act like that because you let them. Don’t let them any longer. That’s what I did. It got worse before it got better, but it did get better. Keep your chin up. I have faith in you
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The only problem I see is that by holding your anger in all this time, it builds up and when you unleash it, you’re going to unleash this hurricane of anger and maybe it’ll be directed at one of them, maybe all of them, but whatever it is they won’t take it seriously because it won’t be in proportion to whatever finally breaks the camel’s back. When you unleash that much anger that’s built up over so much time, over such a minor thing–you’re the asshole. You’re the one in the wrong. The key here is to stop holding it in all the time. Stop making peace. Stop walking on egg shells. That’s not your job. Everyone needs to shoulder some of that responsibility or none of you should. It’s not something you can do on your own. Not while keeping your sanity. So have your blow out. Then don’t ever let it get that way again. For the sake of your personal sanity and mental well-being. stop gathering all your anger inside you. Find outlets for it. Huggs
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*hugs*
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(hugs)
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Oh Mouse <3 It’s okay to walk away, just so you know. NO ONE will frown on you or judge you – and if they do? Fuck ’em, they are not real friends. And family? Oh, you didn’t pick them, you had no choice over who your parents are. You DO have the choice to say, “Enough is enough.” Put yourself first!!! It’s a glorious feeling 🙂 Blessed be and lots of love,
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ryn: lol, making the note rounds really used to be tough. i felt compelled to at least TRY to read the people who were always noting me, even when I said that I didn’t. But in my hey day here, it was hard. These days it’s not a problem. It’s just a few minutes now. So, no worries. But I’m glad you like that warm creamy stuff I keep spewing!
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ryn: i’m afraid to ask, what were you hungry for?
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ryn: you can carefully suggest whatever you like, but you really don’t know. you only see the public notes and the one i reprinted so people could see it. you have no clue as to the backstory with that girl or that it had been building up for a long time. you don’t know that she tried and failed do her own “advice” diary and actively went through my notes, noting the people she found there andtelling them that they should come to her for advice and not me. i’m not saying this to be mean to you and we’re perfectly cool, but you really have no idea what you’re talking about on this one.
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RYN: Thanks! I used to do a lot of writing, then life took over and intervened (interfered). I am trying to get back to it on a more regular basis, now. Adding you to my friends/bookmarks.
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Coming in late as usual. But I hope this isn’t just vented here. But also, hope it isn’t vented in a storm outside here. These feelings are best released before the expiration date, in suggested serving sizes.
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