For a Changing of the Guards

Well, hello there.

I am both excited and intimidated to write this entry but this is huge and I really gotta get these feelings written out lest I forget they were actually ever here.

I’ve had a really rough time in the last few weeks. I’ve been struggling with my depression and have been in and out of really bad crying jags and anxiety attacks. Here’s the deal, I came out on the other side of it all and I think I’m stronger for it.

My husband, the saint that that man is (NOT) has grown even more cruel and mean within these last few weeks. I understand that he is weary from my somber mood and lack of any kind of drive but honestly I couldn’t really give a shit. *lmfao* Seriously folks, I’m done. He has been trying to break me but because I’m so busy trying not to let me get me, he can’t push me any lower. I’ve been very temperamental but as I sit back and run through the play by play, I honestly feel like the only thing I’ve done in reality is stick up for myself, and this time without fear. There was no further down that I could go. So, what could I be afraid of? Nothing, that’s what. I started to feel an odd sort of clarity, an epiphany almost. I can stick up for myself. I was a pretty wicked bitch in high school, really awful. I finally pulled that out on him. He forced my hand. He’s been backing me into this corner for years and you know what? I finally bit back and it felt good!

I almost left him last night. I told him I was done. I called my Mom and told her that I would be on my way so not to panic if she heard someone downstairs when I let myself in. He threatened to smack me around said that I deserved a good ass kicking for the way I was acting. I dared him to do it. I said "I dare you to give me a reason to call the cops! You don’t know how fucking ecstatic it’ll make me to see em haul you off. So, do it big man! Give me a reason." I continued to pack my shit and he kept trying to get in my way. I kept warning him, if he put a single finger on me, just one. That’s all I’d need. So, I got my shit together and was ready to walk out. That’s when he finally let the big man tough guy bullshit go. He fell apart. He disintegrated into a heap of pleas, tears, and snot. I finally broke him for once. He promised me the world last night. A tactic he’s never used. I’m not a fool. I know this is just another form of manipulation but I’ve got the upper hand again.

I have the power for the time being. I made him promise that he’ll try to change. I made him promise to go to counseling. He promised me everything last night. Do I believe him? Fuck no, that’s why my shits still packed. I want it to be a reminder that I’ve got one foot out the door. I want him to see all my shit ready to go, if he even slightly tries to fall back into the same ol’ bullshit. I have been living in misery for 19 fucking years, and I’m done. If he decides that he can learn to act like a grown up and give me the respect that I deserve than this doesn’t have to end but if he can’t do it. Fuck him, seriously I’m done with being a doormat. *gasp*

It all hit me really hard. I’ve been so scared to make that move because I remember the horrid loneliness of being without love. Here’s the thing, I’m even more miserable staying in this marriage. It’s killing me. The only thing that could happen if I walk away from this painful situation is it’ll be replaced with a familiar kind of despair. I’m ready to face that again if needs be. I’ve been responsible for my own happiness and catering to my own needs for a long time now so really, what the fuck is the difference? I’m gonna cross my fingers and wish for the unicorns, rainbows, and magic fairy dust just for now. A marriage of 19 years shouldn’t be tossed aside lightly. I will give this marriage some time to be repaired but I don’t hold out much hope.

I’ve never believed in happily ever after. Honestly, I think my marriage ended last night. I’m already mourning and moving on in my heart. I’ll go through the motions for his sake. I owe him at least that but I’m truly done accepting the life I’ve lived thus far. Things will change one way or another. It’s not gonna be easy. I fully anticipate falling down and hitting quite a few speed bumps before I can completely take my life back because it’s been taken from me piece by piece for 19 years. I hope it won’t take nearly as long to get it back but at least I’m finally headed in the right direction. Make no mistake, I’m still hoping with everything that’s left between my husband and I that he will accept that this is the beginning of change. But if he can’t/won’t, the answer is blatantly obvious my shit is packed and I’m out the door.

I know it’s an awful wicked thing to admit but I’m actually watching with glee as my husband runs around in a near panic to try to fix things while I kinda just sit back and go *shrug* meh, whatever. I’ve been that scrambler too many times, for too many years. It’s finally his turn to feel what I’ve felt over and over again.

<span style="font-family: "Arial&qu

ot;,"sans-serif"”>So, where do we go from here? Only time will time will tell my friends but I tend to think that there’s a strong scent of freedom in the air. Let’s breathe it in and savor, shall we?

Brand New -Good to Know That if I Ever Need Attention All I Have to Do Is Die