My BPD – Entry 4

I just absolutely hate the way I am. Mostly my BPD. I have BPD because of trauma related issues. This has completely impacted my life. Every important adult figure in my life has left since I was born, starting with my parents. I live with my grandparents. Because of this mental illness, whenever I develop feelings for somebody, I get obsessive. Not a “cute” type of obsessive, but disgustingly obsessive. When I started developing feelings for Caden 2 years ago, it started off with me just wanting to know things about his life. It escalated to the point where I wanted to know the people who hurt him, Then I wanted revenge on these people. It got so bad that I online bullied his cheating ex. For a while, too. The saddest thing is, I can’t f**king control it. I really can’t . And it’s so hard because it drives everyone away. When I fall for someone, I fall flat on my face in love. I never got love from anyone when I was a kid, so I search for it. When I find it, I don’t want to lose it. I can’t lose it. I had a thing with a girl when i was in elementary school, for context, I’m in highschool now. I still haven’t forgotten about her. I still want contact with her to see how she’s holding up. This whole BPD thing just creeps me out.