Venting

 I feel a ton better about my OCD and shit over the past few days. I talked to a counselor on the phone today about possibly setting up an appointment with him. I’m not sure I need a counselor though. Maybe this is just some slump I’m going through.

Anyway, I really need to vent. I know I’ve said both good and band things about Hilary here, but I really do like the girl. Unfortunately, I think I’m stuck in the friend zone with her. I’m pretty sure that by me just being me, I’ve managed to place myself in the friend zone. I tried to date her right off the bat. I really did. We even went out recently. We shared a kiss, she spent the night here. Nothing much happened. I thought maybe that was making progress. Maybe it still is, but I just feel like such a jackass.

I’ve been living in my new apartment for over a month now. I think a lot of my stress lately is coming from realizing that even though I moved, I’m still much the same guy with the same problems. Life didn’t do a 180 when I moved like I hoped and thought it might. I’m glad I moved. It was a good decision for me. I guess things are just slow to pick up. 

My new friends are kinda pissing me off. I’m hosting a little get together here Saturday. I said we’d do burgers than one of them thought they would throw out the idea to change it to pizza. It was just kinda rude. It’s my get together, let me host it, and stop trying to change everything around. Maybe she’s just hormonal – I don’t know. She’s said she was hormonal lately herself, so I’m not just being a misogynist here. I guess it’s like Bob Marley said: "Truth is everyone is gonna hurt you, you just gotta find the ones worth suffering for."

One of the things we’re supposed to do Saturday is an art project. Hilary had the idea to make up ten rules for my new apartment. The apartment has a name and all that. So we made up the rules. Then one of us (I forget who) had the idea to post them in the apartment somewhere. Then somehow that idea turned into an art project. I found this big piece of plywood that I thought would be great to paint the rules on. But I’m kinda depressed about it.

Here I am a 25 year old single dude and I’m setting up a hippie art project with Hilary and this other chick that’s married. I personally love the art project idea and I’m not necessarily saying I should compromise who I am, but I think this whole art project has made Hilary look at me like some softie dude who can only ever be her friend. Maybe if I played the role of some hard ass dude like the last guy she dated, maybe she’d be mine by now. The last guy she dated was some high school teacher/football couch. I met him once. He was all muscular, but he seemed like he lacked any substance. 

It just has me frustrated. The whole lot of it. I’ve been living here for over a month and I still have a ton of work to do to set up the place. 

But what pisses me off is that I still can’t find a girl. I’ve been dating. Megan still likes me it seems, but I don’t like her. I like Hilary, but she doesn’t like me other than a friend. But who knows. Maybe I’m reading too much into this. Maybe when Hilary comes over Saturday she’ll end up passing out here and we’ll mess around or connect on some deeper level.

I just wish I could find a girl. I’m a good guy I think. Sure, my last few entries were ridden with problems, but that’s a rarity for me. I’m usually pretty chipper. I keep feeling like going up to the bar up the street and I keep hoping maybe there will be some girl in there, but that shit never happens in real life. Only in a movie does a gut walk into a bar and spy the woman of his dreams and they hit it off. The few times I’ve been in there I end up just sitting at the bar alone. Egh