Oh life…

Oh life. How I love thee. You’re so confusing. 

I wish sometimes that I could just figure things out, but it’s not that easy. So many things in my life lately are changing. For better or worse, I’m not sure, but I can only hope it’s for the better. 

Megan and I have been dating for about a month now. On one hand it’s been one of the better months of my life, but on another, it’s been one of the most confusing. I like Megan. She’s cool. I enjoying hanging with her. But after a month of dating, I’m not feeling any spark at all. We’ve made no connection. I don’t see much in her that I really like. The thing is, I want to like her. I really do. 

She really likes me. She’s really into me. It would be easy for me to keep this going, but it would be merely an ego stroke on my part. I’ve wanted a girlfriend for so long now. I’ve dated a few girls. Most of them I didn’t care for except one and who would’ve guessed, but she didn’t like me.

With Megan, I guess I’ve kept this alive for so long, because I thought that maybe we’d hit a spark somewhere, but I’m not connecting with her physically or emotionally. I’ve tried hard to like her. I know that having a serious relationship could be good for me on multiple levels, but this girl isn’t the one. She’s just not. There’s not much to her. We don’t agree politically or religiously. In a month of dating, we’ve yet to have one serious conversation. If she tries to bring up something serious with me, it seems like a joke. 

But being that I work with her, I don’t want to call it off with her and make things hostile. The best plan I’ve come up with is to just let it die. Hopefully after long enough without calling or going out with her, she’ll get the message. 

This past weekend I hadn’t heard from her at all. I was out of town most of the weekend, so it’s not like she expected us to go out, but I still hadn’t had any communication with her all weekend. I thought that maybe she had gotten the message. Maybe she was gonna back off and realize that I’m just not that into her. But late Sunday night, she texts me asking me about my weekend, my trip, etc. 

In her mind, I think she thinks we’re together. That was never my intention to send those signals. We’ve dated, but we haven’t even gotten close physically. I’ve made sure of that despite multiple invitations by her for us to make out, have sex, etc. 

So, really, I’m just confused. As bad as I want a girlfriend, I just can’t convince myself that Megan is the one. I wish I could. My bachelor problem would be solved. Here I have a girl that really likes me. I could settle into this relationship, but I know she’s not the one. I heard a country song the other day in a store. I remember some lyrics from it: I might not know what love is, but I know what it ain’t. 

That about sums up my feelings. It’s just not there with Megan. I can’t force myself to have feelings with her. I can’t force a chemistry. If it’s not happening, then it’s not happening. It’s no one’s fault. 

I guess what really gets me about this is that I’ve never broken anyone’s heart before. Not that I’m gonna break her heart, but I don’t think I’ve ever done anything like this in my adult life. I’ve never turned anyone away that was so into me. It’s gonna hurt me to do it, but it’s what I have to do. 

In other news, my friend Kurt is bugging the shit out of me lately. He’s one of my two best friends. I’m starting to see him in a whole different light. It’s scary, but I don’t even really enjoy being around him anymore. I think it has a lot to do with me growing up. Kurt’s 5 years older than me. 

He has to be the center of attention. He’ll take things I say or jokes I come up with and claim them as his own. He has to constantly be in control. I guess that wasn’t a problem when I was 18 and he was 23. He seemed much older than me. But now that I’m 25 and he’s 30 and we’re both grown, it’s like I’m seeing past all this bullshit now. I’m meeting other people and seeing that it’s not like that with other people. 

I could cite specific examples, but it wouldn’t be worth the hassle. I just think it’s time for me to move on from him. I’ve kinda lived in the shadow of him the past few years. I’ve hung out with his group of friends – no one them that I’ve ever connected with. Many of them that I don’t even like. But lately, I’ve been hanging around all kinds of the people. I think it kinda pisses him off that I’m out living my life. Not only that, but he refuses to ever come out and do anything with me and any other friends I have. If it’s not with his group of friends, then he doesn’t want to do it. Lame. 

A few years ago, I cut Kurt off. We didn’t talk for a year. After that year, I called him up randomly and asked if he wanted to get together and do something. But many of the reasons for which I cut him off before are becoming even more evident again. I’m too old to make excuses for people. I’m too old to waste my time on shitty people. I don’t intend to cut him off by any means, but I will distance myself from him. Not on purpose I suppose. I think it will just be a natural drifting apart. 

It’s like, sometimes you just have to let things in life run their course. When a friendship has run its course, you have to move on. You can’t try to force yourself to see things in an old light. Things change. People change. Perspectives change. The best thing to do is just move on and remember the good times you’ve had. Don’t run the relationship into the ground until you despise the other person.

Same goes for relationships and marriages I suppose. Al and Tipper Gore just announced their separation. It seems amicable. It seems funny to use them as an example, but it’s perfect. After 40 years of marriage, people change. They seem like they’re parting on amicable terms. I don’t fault anyone for that. 

I hope I can find someone that I’ll love for the rest of my life, but in just having a few long-term friendships, I’ve learned a lot about people and myself. People change and then they drift apart.

There were times when I thought certain friends of mine would be around forever. We’d even tell each other that, but then one day you wake up and they’re not there. Things change. It’s no one’s fault. It’s just a fact of life. 

I’m starting to get depressed writing this. Thankfully I have some good tunes to write to. John Prine has been the soundtrack of my life lately. 

Then there’s the career path that I think about all the time. I’m starting to wonder if I have a dream job. I think that the dream job is all just a lie they tell us when we’re a kid. Some people don’t have a dream job. Some people never find a job that they really love. Sometimes you just have to work to get by. 

For the past 5 years I’ve thought about it. I’ve though about what I want to do for the rest of my life and I always come up short. Maybe what I want to do with my life has nothing to do with a job. The "do what you love for a living" bullshit just sets a horrible expectations for children. We get it drilled into our head as children that we have to pursue our dreams, but maybe I don’t have a dream job. Maybe I’m just supposed to work and find happiness outside of work. If I spend the rest of my

life searching for a dream career, I’ll always be miserable. Maybe I need to just settle and be happy to work in IT and look for my happiness elsewhere in life. 

Egh, I don’t know. This is like the longest entry ever. If you’ve read all of this, I commend you. 

Some of you might notice that I’ve made a lot of my entries private. I do that from time to time. I get paranoid that someone is gonna find this diary and read my whole history. I can accept them finding a few months of my past, but if they found years of my past, I’d be ruined. Hah. 

So, don’t think it’s something against any of my readers. If anything, it’s just me being paranoid. 

Anyway, I’m off… not sure what to though.