08/26/2010

So, I did it. I finally grew to like Hilary enough that I could no longer just accept being friends with her. I told her this. I told her, in so many words, that I really would like to take it to the next level. She didn’t seem interested. She threw every generic excuse in the book at me. I can live with that, but right now it’s just hard. 

A few months ago, our friends tried to hook us up and to put it simply – it fizzled out. I let it be. I decided to take her in as a friend since I didn’t know much about her anyway. I really didn’t know what I was losing. Back then she was just some girl I was gonna take on a date. But since then we have become really good friends. We have so much in common. We’re different on a lot of levels – at least when it comes to our past anyway. She has a really rough past. Mine is pretty straight forward and drama free. But for the most part, I think we mesh really well and I think it’s worth a shot.

But I know I can’t help how she feels. If she’s not attracted to me in that way, there’s not really much I can do about it – nor should I really try to do anything. I just gotta be me.

I do feel that I played the friend card too strongly. I’m naturally a nice guy. I want companionship and friendship before sex. Those things are more important to me. So, if I don’t admire you as a person and a friend, its almost a certainty that I will not be interested in you sexually. Yes, I know that’s different than most guys, but it’s who I am. I just think that’s been detrimental to me when it comes to Hilary. I think if I had played less of the friend card and more of the guy that wants to get with her card, I may have been fine.

That’s not to say I’m going to change who I am, but over the past months we have been all over each other’s Facebooks. It’s been fun. We also comment back and forth. But I’m kinda tired of it. One reason I was doing that was in hopes that we would hook up I suppose. I’ll still have fun with them on Facebook, but I think I’ve exhausted myself of Facebook.

And now I’ve given Hilary the upper hand. She knows I like her. It’s like she has the power now. I hate that. Tomorrow will be the first time I see her since I told her I liked her. I have no idea if anyone else knows that I told her I liked her and she shunned me. I don’t think I want to know. I just want to go on doing what I was doing.

It’s so weird. Hilary is coming with me to three concerts next month. No chick has ever been interested in my music like this. We all hang out in the same circle. It just seems like everything is in place to give a relationship a shot, but egh what can you do ya know?

All I can do is ponder my life tonight. I thought that maybe moving would improve my life. In a few ways it has, but for the most part my life has the same ups and downs as it ever has.