08/22/2010
This has simultaneously been one of the best and worth weekends of my life. Last night was fucking amazing except for one revelation that I’ve come to – Hilary just isn’t that into me. I know, you win some, you lose some. But it always seems like I lose the ones I want to win.
We did a lot of shit last night. It was a fucking amazing evening. One of things we did was nitrous. I had never done nitrous before. But one thing I had in me before we did the nitrous was all these feelings for Hilary just balled up inside of me. She was looking so cute on the couch next to me and she’s so fucking cool. As soon as I got high on the nitrous, I tried to come onto her – in kind of a friendly, silly way. I think I might have creeped her out. I didn’t mean to. She told me one of the meanest things anyone has ever told me, "Just cause you’re on nitrous, doesn’t mean you’re in love with me."
As much as I hate to admit, I guess she was right. She’s admittedly a lot more experienced than me in the way of drugs. And she has a lot of guys after her it seems like all the time. She’s probably used to having to be bold and ward them off. I just honestly wasn’t trying to be that guy. I was just trying to have some fun with her and be free spirited.
But it’s just so damn confusing. She comes over here, we have such a good time. She slept over here last night. We got up, I cooked breakfast for her and our other friend that came over. Then we just chilled out around here. Then I had to bring the friend of ours home.
Then that afternoon when it was just me and Hilary at the apartment, I was just so happy. She’s such a cool chick. We both made a painting – like a real painting with acrylics on canvas. We watched the Smashing Pumpkins DVD. I put in a Todd Snider CD. So far I haven’t been able to get anyone into Snider. He’s been my music obsession for months. But she LOVED it. She was updating her Facebook status. One was about painting and listening to the Pumpkins. Then after that she updated her status to something about how she was loving Todd Snider. The whole time we listened to Todd Snider I was just singing along even though she was right there in the room. I feel so comfortable around her. That says so much when I can just sit in a room with someone, paint, enjoy music, and just sing. I’ve never felt so genuinely happy around someone. And in a month or so she’s coming to the Slayer/Megadeth/Anthrax show with me. I really want to take her to see Neil Young. The show is in about a month. I haven’t asked her yet though cause honestly I’m kinda hoping maybe I’ll have someone other than Hilary to take to the show. Not cause I don’t like Hilary, but I feel like I need to get over her. If it comes down to me taking her, I know she would go, but I think I’d ask her if she would go with me and if we could make it a date. The show is at a casino and we could see the show, hang out at the casino, and book a room there and stay for the night. I’m not saying we’d have to have sex if we booked the room – but I would like it to be a date with her. I think I’ll ask her if she wants to do that with me and if she says no, then I know for certain that she just isn’t into my like that and it will undoubtedly be time for me to move on.
She’s just so cool. I wish I could take things further with her. I think I’ve tried hard enough and it’s just not gonna happen. I really need to get a new female interest. In fact, I’m about to shower and then head up to the bar up the street for a drink. I just need to clear my head.