Sweat Puke Shake Cry

Here I sit this very early Monday morning, wishing I could go back to sleep. Not that I got a lot of sleep overnight anyway; but that’s because I have been sleeping so much during the days that my nights are now all screwed up. I have to slog through this morning, though, until my early appointment with my psychiatrist is over; then I can come home and try to sleep some. I had other plans, such as going to the eye doctor in order to get an examine and new glasses. I’m having problems reading, which simply cannot happen; and I’m getting headaches, too. (Not to mention, I’ve hated my current glasses since I got them, but they were all I could afford, even with the help from the clinic.)

But the eye appointment is just going to have to wait. My psych appointment is at 8:15, will last about fifteen minutes or so, and then I’ll be free the rest of the day to crash and burn. I need a few things from the store, but I’ll get them before my appointment so that all I will have to do after the appointment is to come home.

The reason(s) for the sleep problems now (because one knows I’ve always had a hard time): I’ve been in pretty severe withdrawals for the past couple of days; it’s been really warm in my apartment; smoke from a mountain fire is ramping up my already-severe allergies; “nicking” from trying to quit smoking.

The withdrawals started Wednesday, after again dropping my morphine dosage beginning that day. The symptoms weren’t too bad at first, but by Thursday and Friday I found myself, often, curled up in the fetal position — unfortunately lying on the destroyed shoulder, making it extremely painful — sweating; burning up; freezing; having unstoppable tremors; headache/nausea. You know… all the stuff I normally go through when I don’t have what my brain thinks is enough morphine or other chemicals that it wants. I just have to live through it, adjust, and move on to the next drop. I’m boasting here, pride going before hopefully an easy fall: I started at 280mg prescribed per day, a huge amount. I’m now down to 90mg prescribed per day! I’m doing it, people!

As for the warmth in my apartment, I could fix that easily by turning on the air conditioner. I’m trying to not do that as much because I finally got onto the budget plan with the electric company here, meaning that they take the previous twelve months’ combined total, divide by twelve, and that amount is my monthly payment. I still pay for all of my electric use.. it’s just easier to know the amount ahead of time in order for me to budget it out. I think I’m up for a re-eval in September (I was told that then is when they calculate every year), and the less I use the a/c right now, the more my monthly payment will go down. And believe me… I need all the help I can get. So Popcorn and I will just be sweaty messes for now, at least until it gets to be too much. It was 86dF in my apartment yesterday evening; this morning, early, it’s still 80.

We are having our first fire of the season not far from here, up in the mountains. I can see the smoke, and when the wind shifts it blows it down throughout town and the surrounding areas. Sometimes it is really thick, making normal people have breathing problems. Those of us with damaged lungs have been having a helluva time! I mean, right when I’ve been working really hard at quitting smoking once and for all, all I need to do is to breathe the outside air and I’m good! (The quitting smoking is pretty much a roller coaster right now. The physical part isn’t too bad thanks to taking Chantix. It’s the mental stuff I’m having a hard time with, which is why I went out at 2 a.m. to buy a pack. I’ll beat myself up over it for the next day or two, then just try, try again.

This week, pretty much the usual (with the exception being that I need to get Popcorn in for her wellness check and shot, which is going to cost $60 I really don’t have. Maybe K is still willing, with the “child support,” you know?) . As I said, psych this morning. Tuesday, Wednesday and Friday mornings I have my IOP classes scheduled. I’m almost done with the program, maybe two weeks or so left. I’ll be glad to get it behind me, although my counselor and the IOP facilitator are already trying to get me to join the PTSD group and the wellness group, as well as to get start with NA and AA. Really? I’m feeling very trapped into programs right now. I think I’m going to have to put down the proverbial foot (on someone’s head?) and re-claim my time and my life. But, as the saying goes, I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.

Thursday morning, I have my counselor appointment. I didn’t see her last week as she was attending a sex addiction seminar or something. I want to ask her if my aversion to sex is an addiction, or is it just part of the whole, “Don’t touch me!” stuff I deal with, or what. Maybe I don’t want to know.

But enough from me. Enough words; enough fetal position pictures; enough is enough. Here’s hoping we all have a better week this week, eh?