No More Monkeying Around

This past week just flat sucked monkey testicles. There’s no pretty way to say it; it was just bad, bad, bad, and then more bad with a bit of bad thrown in to make sure it had enough bad-ness. And just when I thought I was seeing a light at the end of the bad, a big, bad, badness stomped on me over and over again, badly. So needless to say, I have been feeling, both physically and mentally, really really bad.

I seriously don’t know what I have to keep paying for — what mistake(s) I made in my former life for which I have to keep being punished, over and over and over, with only moments (teasers) of happiness now and then. I’m trying so, so hard, each and every day, coping with more than one person should have to cope. I’ve got three terminal illnesses; enough body pain to bring down a normal person; financial suck-ness in my life knows no bounds; I’m all alone, basically friendless here… I could go on, listing more and more. It’s true that I am one of the “glass half-empty” people; but damn it all to fuckin’ Hell — I have myriad reasons to be this way. And the more I seem to really try to improve things, the more is thrown at me (much like a chimp will throw its shit); the harder I try, the harder things become. I swear…

I know this is whiney and bitchy and all mope, no cope. That’s because I’m tired of having to always fight to survive so many bad situations, as if I somehow do not deserve a shot at happiness. It has to be ME, right? I mean, am I such a negative person that all I attract to myself is more negativity? Am I the one making manifest all of the bad things that seem to keep happening to me, even though I think I’m trying to make things better? Maybe, somewhere deep down, I’ve not yet been able to forgive myself for the incredible number of mistakes I have made my entire life, and continue to make despite real, sincere efforts to not make them. It seems as if each and every time I turn around it’s in order to catch yet another knife the Universe has been throwing toward my back… and I catch it right in my chest. You know? Am I making sense to anyone aside from myself? (And, that said, am I making sense even TO myself?)

When will it be my turn to catch a break? How can I create my own breaks without actually making a bigger mess of things? Yesterday found me very, very close to giving up. I’m a little better today — not much, but a little — and all I want to be able to do is to live within my meager means and still be able to enjoy my life a little bit. When do I get my happiness?