What you think is wrong

I think it’s just turning into a case of, "if it’s one person against you, it’s them; if everyone’s against you, it’s you". I think it’s becoming everyone against me, so it must be something I’ve done or, indeed, something I’ve not done.

Usually I’d be getting angry: why don’t they just tell me what I’ve done wrong, so that I can change it. Something my parents were talking about it the car, quite by coincidence, is sort of stopping that. They weren’t talking to me, I had my headphones in but I generally have it on quite quiet so I can still hear them – they always talk about interesting things. Anyway, they were talking about this theory, how people always try to learn from their mistakes and not repeat them, when really we should be learning from what we’ve done right, and try to repeat that.

It just really made sense. In the summer, when I was seeing people every day, I felt really close to them, we were getting on really well and, well, I just felt really positive about it. Now, I guess because I don’t go to school and don’t see people on a regular basis, I’ve been feeling, quite fairly I think, more distant. The thing with me is that when I start feeling distant, I guess as a way of stopping me from getting hurt, I subconsciously retract more, and sometimes even get a little hostile. I don’t think I notice myself doing it, but other people do and react, also fairly, accordingly.

I don’t know if this is making any sense. I might just be talking shit, but what I’m really saying (in a round-a-bout sort of way) is that I need to make more of an effort to see people after school, and take the time to just talk to them. I realise that this all sounds a bit scatty and impersonal, but you have no idea how emo this would sound if I hadn’t detracted my emotions from it. That’s another thing I do, I think, separate how I feel from what I’m thinking. It helps, sometimes; sometimes it makes it worse though, if only because other people think I’m cold and insensitive.

I don’t know how other people see me; I can’t see how other people see me. I guess I must come across as quite a… I don’t know… distant (?) person. I don’t really get involved in what other people are doing or talking about. It’s not that I don’t want to; sometimes I just don’t know how.

I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone, but I think that I do sometimes.

I guess this is really just an apology. I want things to be ok again. I don’t know when they started going wrong, really. Have they always been on the edge of going wrong? Have I ever really been stable, or has it always been a mirage? Is it even all that unstable now? What if I’m just imagining it and/or going crazy. I know I’m a paranoid person, but I don’t think this is paranoia. I think I’d want to know if it was, but at the same time, maybe it’s just safer to pretend I’m making it up.

I don’t know.
Anyway.