This is the Place

Christmas was nice. Was woken up at 5:30 by my sister. Mum has said that I’ll get a stocking every year until I move out, which is cool. Got some pretty nifty presents – an Animal muppet toy; cat soap that "grows thick fur in days", a pink torch, loads of sweets, a Dunny series 2 Quee, a pink tape measure, an aurara clock that changes colour, a new mp3 player from Peg and Ralph, a baby animals calendar from Great aunt Phillis and Great Uncle Terry, an address and birthdays book with a Monet painting on the front from Gwyneth, Supergirl pjs from my sister, a load of books from my parents: Fashion Design guidebook, Imagemaker and Hand to Eye, My Story by Dave Pelzer and the Book of Lists. And a satsuma, as per tradition. Have a running total of £80, but aunts and uncles money still to come.

Was mostly a close family thing. Went to see my half brother and his fiance in their flat at about 2, had a family friend round for Christmas dinner. Poor mum had to cook 4 different meals – turkey breasts for dad and family friend, i had macoroni cheese, daisy had cheese tarts and mum had Salmon, or something. Played scrabble for a bit then watched Doctor Who on tv and forgot about scrabble. Was losing anyway.

Gonna buy some new jeans and some scales with my money, if nothing else. Also got my modelling money through recently, so bought myself a top I’ve wanted for ages in the Topshop christmas eve sale, £15 reduced from £35.

Really trying to stop cutting. Taking things out on my friends, so they’re all pretty pissed off with me at the moment. Well, I say pretty pissed off, more like ignoring me at every available oppertunity. Sophie has thought I was angry with her before I actually was, so things with her don’t look set to be resolved any time soon, dispite having a long "talk" on msn where i thought everything was sorted, but once we got into town she started ignoring me again. I know it’s my fault and that I’m in the wrong and all that, but she could at least make an effort, right? I have apologised and she said that she had accepted my apology but then she goes and blanks me, maybe I’m missing something but that seems a bit out of order. I think one of the problems is that we’re both quite paranoid people and think the other is angry with us when they’re not, and so react to that imaginary anger and the other person notices it and gets upset…

It’s really shit, really. I know that nothing has been sorted with the way I think, and I know that if I stop cutting then I’ll probably just resort to another form of self harm, most likely dieting or drinking or smoking weed. Anything to escape, right? I want Sophie to know that I’m trying, but I can’t even talk to her without her putting on a stupid voice and talking to someone else. She knows it pisses me off, and to be honest it feels like we’re in primary school again, in some squabble over who’s best friends with whom. I wish she’d just grow up and let me talk to her about what’s going on. If it goes on like this any further, it’s going to turn into "tell Rachel to tell Josie to tell Sophie that Ruby is very angry," and "well you can tell Rachel to tell Laura to tell Ruby that Sophie is also angry and furthermore, hates Ruby". Fucking shit, that’s what it is.

Another thing that’s shit is that every time I start trying to talk about how I feel and how I want to stop hurting myself, it turns into me trying to justify my arguement with Sophie.

Blergh.

Shit.

-x-