Start Again

I am so scared of getting hurt, of being rejected, so scared of failing, that sometimes I don’t even want to try. Save myself the heartache, right? The best thing that has ever happened to me could be just around the corner, but without someone there to hold my hand and help me forward every step of the way, I can’t do it anymore…

I used to be able to. I used to be so strong in myself, I want to reclaim that but I don’t know how. I think it’s just because I had a support network before, someone to fall back on just in case it all went wrong. I’m trying to get on with my life without Sophie, but I can’t. It’s knowing that she’s there, and knowing I could have sort it all out if I’d spoken to her earlier.

I didn’t know whether to wait and see if it would all blow over, or do something about it straight away. I decided to wait. I took the risk and did nothing. It seems like that was the wrong thing to do, and I know that right now I’m only doing that more, waiting longer to see if it just "wasn’t the right time yet". I have to do something about it. I want to talk to her, but she doesn’t want to talk to me.

I know that I’m not going to stop thinking about this until it’s been resolved.

In a way, though, I know that I wasn’t really that happy when I was friends with her. I was looking back on past entries, where I’d been saying that I hated all of them at times, and while I know that’s not strictly true, I do know that there were times when I couldn’t stand to be around any of them, when I felt seething jelousy towards them, times when I wished everyone would piss off and leave me on my own…

So yes, I have been looking back at my friendships with rose-tinted glasses. And perhaps this is like the break-up of a romantic relationship where you do have to just give up and move on sometimes.

I think I need to go out and get really, really drunk.
Maybe I’ll feel a bit better then.

-x-