More Yellow Birds

The only thing that’s been getting me through the past few weeks is the knowledge that it won’t last forever. Things will get better eventually, I just have to make the first step with my friends, work out where things went wrong and move on from there. This sort of thing has happened before and it will undoubtedly happen again, and every time before it’s felt like it would last forever, and it never did… so I guess I’m learning. And yes, I’m learning that I can move on, but  think a future lesson will be getting off my lazy arse and making it move.

I am becoming complacent in my loneliness. I feel like, yes, having a support network was nice, but spending time at home on my own isn’t so bad either. Hopefully when things are resolved, I can learn from this too and know that I don’t need to try so hard. Not in the sense that I can get lazy, but in the sense that I don’t have to try and please everyone all the time. It’s not the end of the world if you offend someone, it’s ok to have an opinion.

I need to talk to Josie. And Sophie. If I don’t get this sorted out soon, it’ll just get worse.

I haven’t smoked anything this month, and only a couple of times last month. Mainly because I haven’t been out,  but even when I have been… it doesn’t feel so important right now.

My mum has gone on a sort of holiday, don’t remember if I mentioned it in my last entry. It’s a ten day trip to the Sinai Desert, on Egypt’s border with Israel. She’s going on spiritual journeys, and gardening in a holy garden. She went on the 8th, back on saturday. It’s really odd without her, it’s usually just her and I at home all day, and now it’s me and dad as he’s working from home while she’s away. I don’t really miss her as such. Is that really mean? I love my mum to bits, I don’t know what I’d do without her, but it’s not like she’s actually left, she’s coming back soon… It’s just, nice spending some time with my dad for once. He commutes to London every day, so I hardly ever see him.

I want this to be all over. I want Sophie back. I keep thinking about telling her what I’ve been doing during my day, or wanting her opinion on something, or just wanting to make sure she’s ok. With Josie disliking me.. it’s not so bad, we were never close, it’s just a matter of feeling left out. With Sophie it’s like, she’s the best friend I’ve ever had, and we’ve been friends for so long. I feel lost without her. If I could go back and undo what ever it was that put us where we are, then I would. But I can’t, so I guess I’m just going to have to sort things out from here.

-x-