.live forever – for the moment.

Today I found a print of a family photograph my aunt’s family had taken. It can’t have been taken that long before Alice was diagnosed, maybe before she’d started having any tests. I can’t believe how quickly it all changed. It still doesn’t seem like she’s gone. I never saw her all that often anyway. It just seems like she’s gone away for a bit, gone on holiday but, we’re all going to grow up and live our lives and she is not, because she can’t.

I’m feeling guilty because I didn’t do anything to commemorate the day she died. I feel like I should have said good bye again, or even just thought about her. I don’t know what day it was.

I try to think about her, when we were kids, but my mind keeps going back to her funeral, to how she tried to talk to me about how she was feeling, and I cut her off. I try never to regret anything, but I regret that.

I don’t believe in God or heaven, I don’t really believe in anything, but I want her to be happy now. I really hope she’s safe somewhere. Her last year was so painful, I don’t want her to be hurting any more.

-x-
.i love you, Alice.