Let Me Go

So, it’s 6:40pm and I still haven’t finished any of the homework I wanted, nay, needed to get done today. I need to focus, but I feel so distracted today, I sort of know it wouldn’t be good enough. Even so, I do need to get something done, and I haven’t. I’ll do it later.

I’ve been thinking a lot recently, about who I am, about Alice and, mostly, about how in February it’ll have been a year since I last cut. I’ve changed a lot since then, I like to think that I’m a more mature person. I kind of know how to cope with things better, although recently I’ve found myself on the verge of tears on several occasions, for no apparent reason. College is stressing me out a bit, but not more than I can handle. More, I feel overwhelmed. i am in the habit of leaving things until the last moment, and then I realize that I have three essays to write and two pieces of art to do, all to be handed in on the next day. And I feel foolish for asking for help, because I know that I should’ve done it earlier, and I know that this is what the person will start off by saying. I find it difficult to ask for help.

Today, instead of working on one of two drama essays that need to be handed in tomorrow, I looked over some old diary entries, mostly from around the February’s that I’ve been writing on here. It was strange, I don’t think I changed that much between each one. I am still, essentially, the same person. I feel different now. I want to be different now. I am sick of the old me. Is it possible to change yourself? I think I used to care more about other people. No, I still care, I just don’t want to sort out everyone else’s lives anymore. In a way I miss that, I like it when people come to me with their problems, but at the same time I know I’m less likely to be taken for a ride now. Or something like that… not quite that but something similar.

In February 2005 I said that I wanted to go a year without self harming. It wasn’t until a year from then that I stopped at all, but I slowed down a hell of a lot. In February 2004 I talked about how Alice’s cancer in her leg may have passed, but that they’d found a tumor in her brain. I can’t believe that that was so long ago. It was a year in August since she died, and I still can’t believe that she’s gone. I’m scared that something like this will happen again in my family.

I really get on with the people I’ve met at college, I’ve not known many of them long, but I feel comfortable around them. I’m not afraid to be myself… or at least, I’m not afraid to be who I am now, this sort of more happy me but, I guess I’m scared of telling them about my history of depression and self harm. I mean, I’ve told DJ, but we’ve not really had a conversation about it, we were just on the subject. Hollie already knew, because she knew me when I did still cut and was still somewhat depressed. I don’t think any of the other people I see now know. Or, if they do, they don’t talk to me about it. I don’t know how I feel about that. I guess I don’t really feel the need to talk about it too much, because it’s not really a part of me anymore. But I do still have very visible scars, especially on my legs, and I sort of think that they’re going to notice at some point, and when that happens I don’t know how I’m going to deal with it. Since I got to college, two people have noticed the scars on my arms, which has never really happened before, and I sort of froze up, got kind of protective about it. It’s been a long time since I’ve made up stuff about my cuts or scars. It scares me a bit.

Anyway, i really need to get some work done.

-x-