I can see for miles

I feel guilty because I only ever write here when things are bad, I seem to make out that my life is awful and that nothing ever goes right, which is wrong. I have an amazing life and know some amazing people. I just find writing easier than talking, and sometimes I need to get things out of my system.

So, I started college in september and I was so terrified after everything my head of department put me through – effectively putting me on probation before I’d even started at the college. But things have been going really well. It was a bit rocky at the beginning of the first term because of Stan still not talking to me and Sarah being somewhat harsh whenever I went near her.

Other than small things like that, though, it’s all been really good. I’ve met so many new people, all of whom are wonderful. I get on well with my tutors. English GCSE retake is shit, and I’m treated as though I’m about four, but it could be worse. Philosophy is really interesting, Drama isn’t quite what I expected but I do enjoy it and Art:Textiles is kinda fun, in a "i’ve never had formal art training before" kind of way.

I’m just struggling. Don’t get me wrong, I understand what’s going on, it’s not that I find it hard it’s just that… it’s all so full on. It really scares me. I’m told that I’ve adapted really well from home education to full time further education, but I don’t think that I can cope. My tutors tell me to talk to them if I’m finding things hard, but I’m terrified they’ll think I can’t do it and chuck me out. I worked so hard to get in and now part of me wants to give up because it’s too hard. I have three essays to write for tomorrow, and I’ve spent most of today staring at a blank word document then surfing the internet for half an hour. Admittedly I have a cold, so maybe things seem harder at the moment then they usually do, but I feel like I’m falling behind.

I don’t really feel like I have anyone to talk to about it. My mum gets pissed off with me when I say that I’ve left things to the last minute. I know that I shouldn’t, but that’s all I’ve ever done and it’s a hell of a lot harder a habit to break out of than I thought it was going to be. I want to be on track, I want to complete this year and next year and I want to do well, but… I don’t even know. The only thing stopping me is myself. I should be using this time now to write an essay, but I’m not, I’m writing this. I shouldn’t have gone out last night, I should have stayed home and had an early night so that I’d feel ready to write today but..
ergh, that would just be too sensible.

-x-

Hypnotica

November 26, 2006

it sounds like you’re probably doing fine, and that the main problem is you’re worrying about things too much. I was exactly the same when I was in college, I probably still am I suppose! but if people tell you you’re adjusting well, then you probably are. And realistically, they can’t just chuck you out. If you really are having problems or falling behind then its as much their fault as yours – its their job to teach you in a way you understand at the end of the day. The only time people tend to get chucked out is if they don’t want to work, don’t want to learn. And it sounds like you really do, its just it can be overwhelming. Even if you’ve been doing this forever, and if you’ve been home schooled until now it must be crazy different! And everyone leaves things until the last minute, we’re young and reckless its what we do!! We know we shouldn’t but some people need the pressure to make them work. What I’m saying is don’t give up. You can do this. And when you’re staring at a blank word document and thinking you can’t, its mostly just the panic doing that. I find if you can split up your time and dedicate when you’re going to work and do it, then you can enjoy the time yo

your not working much more, and guilt free!! When I was revising for my A levels I’d split the day into morning, afternoon and evening and I’d be allowed one section off. That was during periods of very intense work though so you could just have one section for work. Or just set aside a few hours here and there, whatever you need. It hard at first, but if you can learn to really use your time thenyou get more time off to have fun!