Fear

So I have one really close friend. Sophie. She’s great, I’d trust her with my life, or I would have but things between us aren’t so great anymore. Since November, really, there were little things she’d do that would get on my nerves. I guess because we were so close, we could both tell when the other was being fake, and it pissed me off when she pretended to be happy.

That’s not really right, I mean she pissed me off when she took the piss out of herself, when she exaggerated her bubbly personality to the extent that she wasn’t herself anymore. I couldn’t stand being around her then.

And likewise, she didn’t like being around me when I’d been smoking. Which is fair enough. But, I don’t know, she started taking little digs at me, just snide little remarks that only I seemed to pick up on. So things weren’t too great between us, and as she’s the one I usually talk to when I’m not feeling good, I’d been bottling it up and ignoring it.

While this was going on, I was also giving up s/h and cutting down on drinking. Add that to trying to get into college and the weed starting to trigger my paranoia again and I was in a really bad place when I stayed at her house for a week with a load of "our" other friends.

So yeah, the whole week we were taking digs at each other. And yes, I could have just left, but I didn’t. And yes, I could have talked to her then about everything, but I didn’t. So I’m not as subtle as her and "humiliated" her in front of all her friends. Which I regret. To be honest, I don’t even remember what I did. It’s all a bit of a blur, which is sort of why it took me so long to apologise, by which time it was too late.

And now she can never forgive me. And all her friends have lost their respect for me. And four months later I still haven’t talked to anyone about it. Because I’m not at school with them, they’ve all been hearing her side of the story and have decided I’m a manipulative bitch, which I probably am, but it’s not a nice thing to be told.

So yeah, throughout March and so far this month, I’ve all but stopped smoking, but my social phobia (that stopped me from leaving the house when I was 13) has come back, and every time I’m in town (not often) I feel really shaky and my heart races the whole time. I had to get my hair trimmed yesterday, which was a nightmare, and today I have to go down to get some things for France, but it’s took a week to pluck up the courage to go into town yesterday, and I’m going to have to force myself today (why oh why didn’t I go to Superdrug when I was in town yesterday?!).

So anyway. I don’t know if I’m too bothered about making up with Sophie. I’d be kidding myself if I said it was a perfect friendship, and to be honest there were times way before this all happened that I hated her. Since this all happened, I’ve done my best to be civil towards her, and even when other people have made fun of her, I’ve stuck up for her, but I don’t know if it’s really worth it anymore. Maybe I left it too late. Maybe it was all my fault. I don’t know, but I apologised, basically begged her to be friends with me…

It’s stupid, if this hadn’t happened, I probably wouldn’t have the time spare to be working on my website, and on my clothes and art… but I really wanted to share all that stuff with her. I want her opinion on it… and I want to help her with the stuff she’s going through. I miss our drunken talks.

Eh, whatever.

-x-