11/25/05

Alice was seventeen when she died of cancer in August this year. I don’t know, it just keeps hitting me… she’s gone, she’s really gone and yet I don’t quite understand it. I keep thinking it’s sunk in, but it hasn’t really, not completely. I don’t know if it ever will, completely. It’s like it’s washing over me in waves, it’ll hit me and then it’ll sort of go away, and then it might hit me again even worse, then go away, then not so much hit me as jerk me a little bit… but it keeps coming back. I don’t think it’ll ever stop. Maybe it’s just too early to say right now, it was only a couple of months ago.

God, only a couple of months ago? It feels like years. But then, I guess in a way we’d been preparing for it for a year and a half… we had known she might not make it for at least six months before she died, even though she and her sisters were not told until the weeks before it became certain…

All I can think of right now is Jess. Whatever I’m going through, it can’t be a fraction of how she feels. It must be so confusing too…

I don’t want to be writing this. I need some chips.

-x-