1/25/06

This whole college thing… I got my interview date through the post today, 30th January. Only 5 days and my portfolio is currently empty. I’m not doing GCSEs, something a lot of people have berated me for, but then a lot of people told me I’d fail when I left school, but I’ve managed so far. I’ve got a lot more life experience then almost any of my friends at school – teaching children a dance and going into primary schools, and just having the time to explore all the thigns I love doing. But I digress.

College. Everyone keeps going on at me about it. Not even college so much, but the interview. I actually wouldn’t be worried about it, and would probably still spend a lot of time working on my portfolio if everyone would just stop going on about it. Yes I know it’s important, yes I know the interviewer could be very anti-home ed, but I have actually spoken to people who don’t support home education before and I’ve survived so far.  A lot of my friends and family seem to think that I won’t ever get anything done if they don’t remind me about every single thing I’m supposed to be doing every single moment of the day. My dad’s ok, if only because when he brings the subject up it’s usually along the lines of "if you need any help, just ask," but my mum really digs into me sometimes. My mum and I hardly ever argue, and she’s helped me with a lot of things so I feel bad bitching about her, but i need to get this down.

For a start, she brings it up at really inappropriate times. When I’m eating my lunch, I don’t want to have to think about what I’m going to say to an interviewer when s/he asks why I’m not doing GCSEs, or for that fact think anything that makes my stumach knot with fear. It’s bad for the digestive system, I’m sure.

It’s just that every time we talk about it, I end up feeling like a complete idiot and close to tears. I feel like i’m not intelligent enough to go to college, or that I won’t be able to cope. I’ve been removed from the schooling environment for so long, what if I find it too difficult to shift back into it? What if I can do it? What if I’m actually not clever enough to survive there? I’ve not had to really abide by anyone elses command in so long, other then with my drama thing with Viv, who I clashed with horribly and left my first session in tears after she dug into me for ages about being self-centered and having no respect for other people because I’d said that the time of the class wasn’t great for me after another teacher had said it was our choice when the class was… My mum basically called me a spoilt brat yesterday, or at least said I was acting like one… I have to wonder really, do things like this hurt me so much because I know that they’re true? Are they true, in fact? I don’t know.

It’s things like this that make me really doubt myself. It’s like a switch that only certain people can flick, and it makes me start thinking, "well, actually I don’t know if I can do this," or "maybe it’s hopeless, maybe I should just give up now and save myself the humiliation of failing".

I was like that at school, I kept giving up on things before I’d started, so that I couldn’t fail. If I couldn’t even cope at school, before GCSEs, before even the year 9 SATS, then how the fuck am I going to cope with A Levels? I don’t see how I’m going to be able to, especially not if I’m already falling into the old mindset.

I think this entry was supposed to make me feel better.

I don’t think it has.

This time next week, I’ll know whether I’ll have got into college
…or not…