I has a sad.

OD was down for a few days the last time I tried to post. I don’t know what to say this time really.
I didn’t finish all the topics. But I don’t feel like revisiting the list right now. I’m too sad right now. Everything is just sad for me lately. I’ve been feeling really crappy.
The Friday before Christmas I had a very minor fender bender, which didn’t result in damage to anyone else, so it was ok. But, it meant I had to go home early for Christmas, and be with my family for a few extra days so that my dad could fix my dented fender and broken headlight. So the car thing was a bit sad.
I’ve been really bad with money this month, so that is a bit stressful and makes me sad and disappointed in myself as well. I got my Christmas bonus, which was really amazing, double what I was expecting, and I intended to save it to pay my rent for this coming semester… Well, I’ve officially spent all of it already, and only paid one months rent out of it. Not good. Very disappointed in me.

On the 18th I took a big step. Last time I wrote about missing Tim. Well, he’s been on my mind all month. Really, when hasn’t he been on my mind since the day I met him… But whatever. At some point during the month I heard about someone being killed in an accident on a highway near where he is working this winter. And my first instinctual thought was "what if its him" and then "what would I do if it was him?" and then… holy cow, I really really really really regret never telling him I loved him. Like a lot. Like, it eats me up inside every time I think about it, and when I talked to Nicky about it later in the day, she reminded me that this is something that comes up a lot. So I thought about it for awhile. Like, a week I think. I asked advice of about 4 very trusted friends. They all said the same thing: "if its still killing you, do it. What have you got to lose"
So… I did it. I just sent a short email, the day before his birthday, saying something along the lines of:

I have this regret, Its been eating me up inside,
I have to get it off my chest/out of my head: I never told you I love you.
I did, some part of me still does, and I probably always will.
I’m grateful for the experience, and I hope you have a good birthday, Christmas, and 2014.

And… it scared the hell out of me to do it. And I had no idea if he would respond, and I was at first hoping he wouldn’t respond at all. But he did. And it was a very nice response and respectful and I’m glad he did. He basically came back and said


"I’m not sure how, or if I should respond, but I guess in a way I’m flattered.
I’m glad you got it off your chest. I’m not sure what you were hoping for,
but I do wish you a great Xmas, and the best for the new year."

I replied to him with "well I wasn’t hoping for expecting any response, but I do appreciate the acknowledgement, so thank you for that." and he replied one last time with "well I still respect you so I thought you deserved that atleast."

And I never replied to that. I couldn’t think of how to respond to it, other than an awkward thank you or something. And I thought that maybe for once it was ok for him to have the last word.

anyway… that’s the Tim thing. So yeah, he’s still on my mind, basically on a daily basis. Even though I do have some amount of closure now. I feel like I’ve said everything there is to say now. I feel like if I did have to work with him face to face that I could handle that now without being in agony about wanting to talk to him about us. And, there’s just a huge weight lifted off my shoulders for having it out there. It really was killing me inside that I didn’t say it, so just him knowing has given my soul some ease.

But… that’s about all that’s eased. I’ve been very down lately. Very depressed. Its gotten worse since my new nephew was born. He’s alright, babies are kinda weird, boring to me, but he’s pretty cool. But I can’t help feeling totally like shit around my family all the time, whether they are even saying anything mean to me or not. I just feel like crap. And now, even more so. Jaxon doesn’t need a fucked up, insecure, negative role model like me in his life. I don’t want him to be like me. I don’t want him to see how fucked I am. A good portion of me has just wanted to disappear from everyones world recently. My close friends have been a bit worried. I can’t blame them. I sincerely wish I could just disappear into thin air and have everyone forget that I ever existed. I sincerely feel like my family would be better off without me. I wish I had never been born. Everyone’s [my family] life would have been a lot less stressful and less dramatic if I hadn’t been part of the world.

I’m tired of my sister being mean to me and making me feel like shit.

I saw my therapist at some point this month… I don’t see her again until the 10th. I did email her and ask her about some books she recommended last time. I got one of them. Its called the Assertiveness Workbook. I’ve started it.

I also read this article: When Your at the End of Your Rope on Friday at work. And decided that it is high time I started writing again, because I am at my wits end, and I don’t know what else to do anymore. I’ve been avoiding writing, and reading stuff, because I’m scared of facing the hurt and pain and broken and fragile things that are inside of me. I don’t like to think about how much it all actually hurts. But everything is hurting lately, and I don’t know what else to do anymore. Its not going away by ignoring it.

Everything makes me hurt. I had to go spend a few hours with extended family today. I wasn’t paying enough attention and missed my exit off the highway. This made me irrationally angry, and embarrassed, and I nearly just turned around and went home. And, coming home, I just felt fragile and sad. And then I did some work in the workbook, and it asked me to think of two people who might be shocked by my efforts to be more assertive, and the first one was obviously my sister. But then I couldn’t think of someone for the second person, and all I wanted to write down was Tim, because I want to persuade him back to being the center of my world. And then I just got really sad about being not assertive, but also because I know that will never happen. our most recent communication was polite and friendly, but there was no ambiguity. He left no room for possibilities in his responses. There is nothing there to fix. There is nothing left for us. And I still miss him. And I’m way to fragile and broken to start something new.

But I’m tired of being alone, not tired enough to just be in a random relationship for the sake of it, but I really wish I had a partner. Someone who would knock me off my feet with chemistry the way he did, someone who is understanding, patient, and gets me the way he did. So, the internet dating thing is out. I can’t handle the emotional upset of getting my hopes up, going on a date, and then being disappointed for one reason or another. I’m way to fragile to deal with that over and over. So, I’m basically hooped. None of my friends have any single guy friends anymore. I just want to curl up in a ball in a cave and cry myself to sleep for the last time. Either hibernate until prince charming kisses me and wakes me up to an amazing relationship, or literally just for the last time, and not wake up ever. And, since I don’t believe in fairy tales, prince charmings, love, or relationships, I’m more realistically hopeful that the latter scenario will happen. I’m tired of being alive, I’m tired of being an emotional burden to my family, I’m tired of not having a partner to love, I’m tired of trying to convince myself that money and time will make it better.

So far time hasn’t helped anything. Its been two years since Tim and I officially broke up, 9 months since the definitive end of our fuck buddies relationship, and he’s still on my mind, daily. He’s not going away. And things are just getting rockier with my family. And I’m just feeling lonelier and lonelier. And I hate everything in my life except for my job right now. In particular I hate myself. Everything about me.

I don’t even know what to say anymore. I’m sad. And I want a hug from a boyfriend who understands that life sucks sometimes, and I don’t have all the right coping mechanisms to be normal. I want the support of a relationship again, and I’m not getting it. So, what exactly am I living for. I don’t have a good reason anymore, other than committing suicide is too traumatic for my friends and family to deal with. Even though I mostly hate my family right now, I still don’t wish that experience on them.

I’m just going in circles now, and I have to get up early, so I’m going to sleep.

Cheers.