Bitterness, Anger, Resentment, Withdrawl

I’ve become more and more reclusive and withdrawn lately.
Its been about a year I think since I saw the psychologist at school. I’ve had some up and down phases, but I’ve  become less and less trusting and more and more withdrawn, especially since January of this year. 
Around the time Gabe died (see previous entry) in March, Tim and I had our last falling out. Since then, I’ve packed my schedule full of more and more things, mostly working related. I joked off and on about trying to convince myself that money is the only thing that matters in life. Its almost working… 
Especially in the last two weeks, I’ve really cut back on seeing people. I used to have a running buddy in Tuscany, I haven’t tried to contact her in about a month now, she hasn’t tried to contact me either. I haven’t heard from Kate in 2.5 weeks, and I haven’t bothered to contact her either. I hung out with Jocelyn this week, but she’s different. She gets me, she understands being depressed, and she doesn’t judge me. She’s like Nicky. I still talk to Nicky almost every day. 
I saw Sasha a few weeks ago when I was home. She still gets me too. The few times we’ve re-connected again we’ve discussed depression and stuff related to that. and I feel like she understands me, and she see’s through my shit, and she doesn’t judge me. So, under inspiration from her I made an appointment for counselling at the big counselling center here.
They called me a few days after I sent the email request in, and booked an appointment. That appointment is on Monday. Immediately after they phoned me I was texting/emailing Nicky, basically having a panic attack. I’m scared shitless for this. I don’t want it to end up being like the therapist I had at school where she couldn’t get through to me, she couldn’t get anything out of me. But, at the same time, while I recognize I’m fucked up and need to figure my shit out, theres still comfort in familiarity. I’m angry at the world. I’m bitter about people. And lately, I’ve been pretty successful at operating on a mostly business interaction basis with people. 
I don’t believe in relationships. I don’t believe in love. I don’t believe people are meant to be with someone else. I feel like its irresponsible and delusional to think that my friends or family have time to deal with my stupid ego, anger, sadness, and fears. There’s safety in the anonymity of living two hours away in a city of a million people. I hate the city, but more than that I don’t want to be near people who are going to take one look at me and go "whoa, whats wrong, you are not ok." 
I’m scattered, and I can’t focus on anything. I don’t meditate anymore. I don’t run, although thats mostly because I’ve had injury or sickness or exams one after the other. I go for walks with my camera, and I ride my bike, and I smile at people, but I really hope they don’t try to talk to me. Unless someone is asking me about work I can do for them, I don’t want to talk to people. I avoid eye contact at all costs. I think I actually smile more than I used too, but thats probably because I’ve learned that smiling makes people think maybe I am ok, so they go away.
I’ve quit telling people I’m good when they ask how I am. I just say I’m Ok now, thats not entirely true I guess, but atleast I’m not lying and saying I’m happy. I sleep a lot. As much as possible. I don’t have people over to my house, except for family and Jocelyn basically. 

I also feel like maybe I’m still just this emo teenager trapped in an adults body and I need to just man up and stop being a whiny little shit. My life is not that hard, I’ve got absolutely nothing to complain about, so the depression and fear is probably all just a construct I’ve made up in my head as an excuse for why I don’t do anything. I try to convince myself I’m a workaholic. And I do work a lot. But I don’t think I qualify as workaholic standards. 

I don’t even know what I came here to write about anymore. Everything is built out of fear. Fear of betrayal. Fear of loss. Fear of humiliation. Fear of failure. And lack of trust. I don’t trust anyone. I’ve got this facade of a fairly successful life built in Calgary, and if that falls apart then I’ve failed at everything in life. 

I’m scared that if this counsellor can actually get through to me, that everything is going to turn to dust around me. I’m scared I’ll get so messed up over issues that I’ll have to quit school, or my job, or something. If I don’t finish my degree I am nothing. I don’t have anything else in life besides my degree and my jobs. I have zero relationships. I have no children. I have nothing in my life besides career success. If that falls apart, then what do you do? I have zero self worth beyond the fact that I work a lot. If you take away my income and my busywork I am nothing. 

I used to want to have a family and a relationship, and I think, with the help of Tim’s betrayal, I have convinced myself that it is not possible, and that I’m better off to work for monetary success and try to not impose my problems on anyone else. I don’t think I could possibly handle a real romantic relationship with anyone. I’m too co-dependent. I attract and seek unhealthy relationships because I know they won’t last. I don’t think I deserve a healthy relationship. I’m not good enough, and I never will be, its not something I can fix. I’m crazy, I should be wearing a sign that warns guys off that I’m crazy. I think I do a pretty good job of putting that vibe out there already, but maybe a sign would be good. Just to make sure. I sabotage things, not that anything has had a chance in the last year, atleast not that I’ve noticed. But I sabotage things before they get a chance to get started, I don’t make eye contact, I don’t understand, or I misinterpret flirting. I think I come across as desperate and crazy. 

I’m so scattered. And I’m scared shitless of this appointment on Monday. And I don’t know if I’m ready to actually deal with anything. Probably because a good portion of me still doesn’t believe I have a problem. A good portion of me believes that I’m a whiny ass bitch and need to shut the fuck up and just keep swimming because my life is fucking perfect. Fake it till you make it right? If I fake smile people think I’m ok, so maybe eventually if I keep pretending I’m happy I will be happy? Or if I pretend there is no problems, they will go away right?

Theres no need for me to burden a boy with my crazy as well as my personal debt. Or to pass on my fucked up thought processes to a child, thats just cruel. I wouldn’t want a child to grow up feeling like if they would rather choose to not be born. I feel like if I could go back now, with the knowledge I have now, and make the choice to live, I would choose not too. If I was that sperm that won, with the knowledge I have today, I would hang back and let someone else win. I’m not suicidal. That would be even more irresponsible and imposing of me. I don’t want to hang that black shadow over my family. But if I could go back and make that choice, I would choose not to be born. My family, and everyone I know, would be better off or atleast just fine without me. 

I am not necessary, I am easily replaceable, no one would miss me if I had never existed in the firstplace. I’m taking up space and precious resources that could be used to support someone who is happy.

I’m just rambling, and I have no idea where my thoughts keep going. I’m going to stop writing for now, I don’t know what else to say. I’m unhappy. I’m hurt. I’m bitter. I’m sad. I’m scared. I’m tired of emotions and people, I don’t want to deal with it anymore. I just want to work, and work, and work some more. Its easier to be professionally successful if you don’t feel any emotions.