lost…

It’s weird to read back over past entries. I clicked on “diary calendar” to read my Christmas entry from last year and suddenly noticed that there wasn’t one. As soon as I switched to OD I stopped writing as much.

This doesn’t feel like Christmas. I have such little energy. I went shopping today for presents and ended up buying things for myself.

Is that wrong?

I think I know what I want to buy people, I just haven’t done it. And when I think about tomorrow and shopping…I’m not looking forward to it. And when I think about Monday…I’m not looking forward to it. And when I think about Christmas…it all seems wrong.

I thought I would be happy to be home. Perhaps it would invigorate me. But it hasn’t. Yesterday I started coughing and feeling sick. Today I didn’t feel very well.

All I want to do is go back to my apartment and crawl under the blankets beside R. I want to hold his hands and cuddle next to him in front of the television.

I want to escape from this world for awhile.

I should be reading A Tale of Two Cities.

I don’t want to.

Sleep. That would be nice. I feel myself falling into that pattern. When I don’t feel well. Or I feel depressed (especially in winter). I sleep. When you are sleeping, you don’t have to think about other things. You’re just…somewhere else.

Maybe I’ll fall asleep reading.

I haven’t done that in awhile.

Maybe tomorrow I’ll feel better.

Maybe…