cowboy take me away…

I spent most of the day not moving, curled up under a blanket. Not even sleeping for that matter, though R. probably thought I was.

I woke up early. Watched a movie on television. It was black and white, I don’t remember the name of it. The plot of the movie would have fit nicely in a romance novel. Then I went into the bedroom to see if R. was awake.

He wasn’t.

So I lay beside him for a few minutes, became restless and checked my email. I missed him again, even though he was sleeping not very far from where I was, so again, I lay next to him.

I was waiting for him to wake up. Which he didn’t for awhile. Then after probably 20 minutes, I opened my eyes and he was gone. At the time, I thought maybe he just got up for second, but when I went into the living room, he was watching football.

I was mad at the time because he left me. Not even that. I’m mad at football. I have never been able to understand why it is so interesting. And on Saturdays sometimes, I feel like I’m non-existent because of it. Which isn’t true. And it probably hit me harder this week because I’m slightly more emotional right now.

So I played the typical child and covered myself with my blanket, refusing to acknowledge him or the rest of the world. I did that for a few hours.

Now I’m the only one who is suffering from it. R. is in the other room watching football again. I’m in here, typing away, totally awake and wondering what I can spend the rest of the evening doing.

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It’s weird. I’ve been thinking a lot about home recently. The other night I wasn’t feeling well and I couldn’t sleep, though I knew that if I could somehow fall asleep, I would feel better. In sleep, I don’t have to deal with things I don’t want to. In this case, feeling horrible. So I did something I hadn’t done for awhile…

…I listened to country music. It brings back so many memories. The most outstanding memories are those of hot summer horseshows. Carefree times when nothing mattered other than the fact that I was with my uncle, joking around, helping Sara with Sonny, having fun with my friends I showed with, being close to my mom as she gave me endless advice. I recently wondered if ever again I would be going with Sara and my uncle, a horsetrailer being pulled by his truck, just the three of us, talking about the upcoming show. I want to show Dressage again, but seriously, I don’t see that as being a possibility for quite some time…

It reminded me of my grandparents. When I was little, we used to go on little mini-vacations. Usually my grandparents would come with us. And being the thoughtful grandchild, I would ride with my grandparents, even though I would much rather have been with mom and dad. All my grandparents listened to was country music. At the time, I hated it. But now it’s comforting. It reminds me of that time. I would give anything to go back to those days and not have to worry about a thing. I wonder what that feels like.

And today. I’ve had such memories of my mom and dad and brother and sisters. Christmas memories. Last year I spent a lot of time with my dad, not doing much, but helping him go on little errands Christmas Eve day. Every year we get a blizzard type snow on that night. We always go to my grandparent’s house. I get to see my aunt and uncle, which doesn’t happen much anymore. Spending time helping my grandma cook a dinner. She spent so much time last year helping me and trying to teach me how to make her macaroni and cheese. When I was little, I couldn’t wait to see what presents I would get. Now anymore, I’m more excited about those I’ve given. And Christmas trees. I want to put one up.

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I want Christmas.

I’m looking forward to spending that time with them.