and again.

Today feels like a day to stay in bed and read. I feel quiet and tired again. Well, it’s more than that. I don’t feel at peace.

Yesterday I went home for a brief visit. I wanted to visit Kip (my horse). But I also just wanted to be there too. To feel close to my family again. I’m used to visiting them very often, now I don’t. And it’s difficult to get used to that. Two people asked me the same question yesterday. “What are you going to do if you ever move away more than you are now? If you can’t visit home very often?” You know, it’s not even the visiting home thing. I want to find peace again in my life. And how to explain that? I lead a happy life. I’m so happy being with Rich. I like my job. This area isn’t a bad area in which to live. But I feel like something is missing. And I don’t know what that something is.

I went home trying to find it, and I don’t know if it helped or hindered things. Little things, seeing my dad sad when I left to come back here, hearing my mom try to make excuses to get me to stay. Wanting to see Sara, my sister, and not being able to because I didn’t have time. Feeling guilty for leaving. Feeling guilty for being away from Rich. Visiting my grandmother. Seeing how happy she was to see me again. Feeling in her hug that things have changed. I’m not the granddaughter that used to go and visit her almost daily. I’m a granddaughter who doesn’t come often. Realizing how old she is and my grandfather is and thinking I should visit more often.

Knowing I can’t.

Feeling like I’m missing out on so much at the stable. The stable used to be my peace.

I don’t want to regret not being there.

I went to church today hoping to find that peace again. Hoping maybe that was the thing that was missing. But it didn’t calm me as it usually does. I stood back from it and watched everything happening and realized that I need a larger spirituality in my life. Going to church isn’t enough for me anymore. I want to embrace everything religious, but on a larger scale. I don’t want to sit in a church with screaming children and a priest who can’t even remember who he is praying for on the one day. I want more than that.

Tomorrow I get my physical for school. And I just want to ask the doctor to make things seem perfectly wonderful again. I’m not depressed, I know that. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to recognize the missing piece in your life and just be able to go to a store and get that piece?

I feel like I carry around so much besides my own thoughts. If someone tells me something, I keep it with me, be it good or bad. If one of my students has a problem, I carry that too. And sometimes it gets to be too much. I feel like I’m living my life for others and not myself.

And I can’t explain. Or rather, I don’t want to right now.